The emotional armour

I fall into the point of contradiction of armouring myself up in term of relationship.

How defensive should I get.

The words from hubhub made me realised how wrong i was in the past.

How I used to fend myself up, in order not get even a slight less bruise.

That was 3 years ago,

the defence level was at its optimal,

i literally abandon everything except myself.

I murdered my 6 years relationship.

I just pushed everything away being I just love myself too much and I wouldn't even care about the thoughts of others.

I just push the blame on him simply because of a lie where i am the cause of it.

He pleaded and beg but i simply pushed everything aside.

At that point of time i believe what is imperfection .

I threw our thick and thin through the 6 years away in a snap.

I just moved on as quickly as i could and got myself attached within a week.

That shaped the greatest lesson in my life.

Owning to self ego,

I forgot how he used to take care of me when the whole family was away from Singapore for 2 weeks.

I forgot how he rushed me to the hospital when i was suffering from bronchitics.

I forgot how he used to cook for me, each meal, each day when i was heavily ill.

I forgot how he prepared the medicine 4am in the morning beside my bed.

I forgot how he used to take leave from work just to take care of me.

I forgot how he used to console me when great-granny passed away.

I forgot how he used to take care of my baby sister when she was rebellious.

I forgot how he argued with his family just to stay by my side each and every night.

I just forgot.

I looked back and realised how silly i was in the past.

To treat someone who loves me so much, comparable to how much he loves his family with that kind of egoist thought and selfishness.

I am the one who force him out of the relationship.

I was blinded with the obsession i had in myself.

I remembered telling this to him.

I just love myself more than anyone else.

I forbade him to hit a club with me,

but he make it his duty to pick me up at night and massage me to bed.

I scolded him when he left me alone at home when he meet his friends for soccer session.

But

I left him alone when he sprained his ankle,

I left him to himself when he was sick,

I walked away when he needed me.

Its out of a sudden all these just flow through my mind.

I see the shadow of a egoist and self-centred self of the past.

All of a sudden,

Its guilt and regrets.

Its recent.

I realised my mistake through the talk i had with my hubhubiee.

Its a switch of position to make me feel.

3 years down the road,

to speak it up,

Thank you for everything and

Sorry for whatever i've did.

I find myself pathetic to not feel for a 6 years relationship but to throw everything in for something with an uncertain outcome.

Probably thats the reason why i am able to forgive and to love more.

I realised,

its not that difficult to recover from pain.

Its the regrets that follows.