Is thinking about . . .

I am thinking of many things which occurs in the recent months.

What happened and how much tension I've caused in my life as well and family.

I've repent it within the purest of my heart when I teared during the sinners prayer yesterday.

In the past, I've let this man down because I love myself too much.

Now, I've let many people down because I dont love myself enough.

I am facing an internal crisis where no one else would ever understand,

needless to put my family in the picture.

At a certain point in life,

you' would realise you do not live for yourself anymore.

You just live to please everyone around you, to make others happy.

I am really very tired,

mentally and physically.

Where is my breakthrough?

I am handling everything not within my means,

that is the reason why I am making my struggle.

For the night I am home,

I never fail to look into god's word to keep my faith in life moving.

I am stuck along the cross roads of my career and family.

There is no advise given.

I am tired of doing nothing.

I am tired of giving.

I am tired of the tears.

I got myself into shit again which alcohol intoxication.

I deem to be more focus.

Directions in life.

Things concerning him which no words or descriptions can explain.

Myself,

being ultimately paranoid over my relationship and I hated myself so much for being that.

When will such hurt and dishonor end?

How am I suppose to wipe off the done to make it undone and refresh as before?

At certain nights, I am still quenching in pain.

I would like to ask him,

is he really happy?