Day 2 is super random

Day 1: Enough of panic attacks. The last one happened Tue morning and I told god that should be the last one.
I've done up my new year resolution.
1. I certainly and really have to cut down on my drinks because I have been doing alot of crap like talking nonsense and distrubing someone I shouldn't. " I am sorry about that ok " I think he is finding me very irritating, as I find myself irritating as well.
2. I need 2 years to clear up my lungs because Iam hitting my next point.. My 1st year starts tomorrow.
3. I need a stable body for childbirth. Those who knows me well enough will know what is that. Disclaimer: I am not pregnant now. I dont know, I just have this very strong feeling I am getting pregnant 2 years down the road, I don't know how to. I think by then I will know how. This has been troubling me for ages. I am not a crazy kid fan thou, I haven got myself pregnant before, So there is no child spirit following me or what ever shit. I just dont know why I keep dreaming of my child.
4. Money is an issue now. Because money makes the world spin. To raise a kid myself I need MONEY ! I am going to be a money grabber " With conscious de money grabber "

A spontaneous note: I found a wonderful kid, who's favourite book is to read the road directory. He is a walking GPS. He is only 7years old. He is an extraordinary Singapore kid. He wants to be a cartographer. He has photographic memory and he can draw out the whole ECP way in 15 mins with all the road names. His name is KAI. Definitely he is a good breed. Father : Japanese mixed British, Mum: Indian mixed Chinese.

.

I am packed the whole of this week and I will be joining an orchestra. I am playing the violin. I am excited to meet him up, * I forgot his name * so I named him as 'him'. Maybe on Saturday or Sunday? Not too sure, sweets is doing the arrangement. *Why is he call sweets* Because everyone calls him sweets.

.

Ok. I apologise last night I was kind of crap and talked abit too much. I dont even remember how much crap I told him. Hope I am still tolerable, I want to tell you boy, you are a maximised man, someone of virtue. I admire you. You are never ignorant. I think you should know, we " chao teng ni de lor ". ke yi de la hor.

.

To be continue. I need to go to Thomson.

Day 1

.

I've got no time to blog. Meanwhile just look at him.

.

Prayers: Do bless the little silly boy Arvin with peace and lesser trouble at night, and hope he gets peaceful rest. Send angels to watch over him and may he get his healing.

.

Prayers for luoyi to be great in health and perfect state in work, greater opportunities for career advancement to make my sacrifice a worthwhile. Give him a less stressful mind during sleep at night and angels to bring his work as planned.

.

Grace.

I believe

.

I believe we can,

do a break through together as individuals.

Today we begin living our lives as really separate entities.

Be the pact you gave,

I am not going to be an escapade,

and yes,

we cannot just sustain life with just LOVE.

But love can encourage us along.

I know you love me enough not to see me getting hurt by you anymore.

Lets move on but allow me to continue to bless you with daily prayers.

You are great and can be never belittled.

We will meet again, till then . . . . . . .

你也要为我加油哦!

One day,

2 straight lines will meet again.

What is 1 year when I am willing to wait 20 years or even longer for a love I longed.

Keeping time a constant, I will be always there, dont worry.

I just hope that,

The day you make it big,

I will be invited to share the joy with you.

洛毅我们会再见的。

晚安

.

PS: 当你需要我的时候，你知道的，我一定会在。应为，这是我为你许下一辈子的承诺。一个会爱你很久，任性，爱的承诺。加油吧洛毅! 有一天你变成 "伍大哥" 请不要忘了这个笨笨，傻傻的我!

:-)

.

I remembered you bringing me to the reservoir and telling me you love me in all languages. I miss having fun with you at Ikea and fixing the toilet bowl together.

The end yet the start

.

We are 5 days away from 2010,

and 2010 is going to be a GREAT YEAR for me !

My work schedules are fully aligned and I am looking forward to it.

Things are getting highly exciting on my ends.

This I strongly believe, and 2010 is going to be a breakthrough year for me.

.

Can you ever imagine that I have plans flowing in and in all the way till end march 2010.

From Mega Concerts to APMs meetings,more meetings, travel plans, on coming projects, woah. . . I realised I do not need to worry about life anymore. I do not need to think about shitty stuffs anymore and I believe he has a great plan for me.

.

Enough of Bear bear hibernation 2009 is going to end.

Seriously what have I achieved in 2009 other than landing myself in the ward or some nonsensical rubbish I had.

Those lousy nonsense are over.

I have never been so convicted and confident about my life before.

Thank God.

I am rearranging my life and I am going to prosper in everything.

YES

In family, in relationship with people, in life and of course in love.

I vision my path and it was him who lead me there.

Someone so close yet I have rejected for so long.

I finally accepted him into my life and I handed my life into the hands of his.

I truly thank you for shining light into my life and ended my cold winter.

The snow finally melted and spring is on its way.

It is peace, salvation and the final walk up calvary.

.

I have learn to love you more each day,

and I appreciate the love you showered generously onto me everyday.

You held my hands tell me why and taught me how,

You taught me not to hate but to love.

You clear my doubts and give me strength.

You gave me wisdom to judge the right and wrong,

You gave me love and a magnanimous heart to forgive.

You gave me peaceful nights,

You watch over me and make sure I don't do wrong.

Thank you for everything.

Thank god.

He is my Heavenly Father !

.

P.s: Prayers for all my dearies who are worried sick about me. Let joy and faith fill the heart of yours. Bring peace, health to my love. Show him visions and brighten his path. Bring on the faith in him and touch his heart to let him know he is never alone and I am always walking beside him.

Time after time

If you're lost you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting

Time after time

Time after time

Time after time

.

I really miss those days we had, simple and fulfilling. I miss our trip away from Singapore, although I do not know if he miss travelling with me. But I always put on smile when I click onto the photo album to browse. and I cant help but to giggles about the things he said every morning when we were away. Ya, he will force me to go and shit everymorning. hahaaa . . . . . . . . ^.^

礼物

今年的平安夜，

我收到了我第一份礼物,

一份爱的礼物，

一份包容，

一份应为很爱而有的包容,

可能他永远都不知道为什么，

应为我也不知道为什么我就那么爱他。

爱他是没有原因的吧。

那是一种无形，无色的东西，

会让你坚强，也会让你脆弱。

会让你执着，会让你固执

就算他在大家的眼里是超差的,

可能应为我很爱他，

爱的太多了，

他变成了完美的。

也许这是个没有结果的等待，

一个没有快乐的未来。

今生也不可能再爱别人

没办法，我也认了吧。

一当真正的遇见，爱上了，你也没办法逃。

想逃也逃不掉，

既然我忍不下心去恨他，

只能选择默默的爱他

也许有一天他会查觉。。

就也许有一天吧。。。。。。。。

.

P.S: My dear readers, my dear great friends and angels thanks for everything, thanks for the encouragement, Thanks for the letters, the long hand written cards of encouragement, the books I've received, hand carried or by mail. I really appreciate it. Many of you guys didnt speak, you guys didnt give buzzing calls as you know I want to be alone, I am just touch with a simple messages of care like, " Go girl, I am behind you"or "Just follow your heart, 老娘厅你!", things like " Its ok to fall down, we will back you up everytime you fall." 真正懂我的人，不会多说，可我知道你们都在给我打气。因为有了你们，我发现我是幸福的，你们\都没有放弃我 ，也没有因为我对他那傻到要死的执着而不理我。会因为知道我伤心不出门，而买饭给我吃, put at my doorstep, buy yakult for me. Sorry, Sometimes I didnt reply to the messages you guys gave, but I never forget you guys in my blessing list to god each night. The list is long but I still want to list it :-)

.

Holly

Lao lao

Victor

Steph

Sweets

Arvin :-) I am ok

Stacy

Liting

Joze

Roy

Rachel

Thank you so much . . . .

I thought

+

++

+++

++++

I thought,

If I drank enough,

the night is dark enough,

the music is loud enough,

I'll find someone who resemble you enough.

That will never happen when I realised that you are never replaceable.

That was when I realised I love you alot, I am not trying to be merely stubborn,

I am not trying to be the victor in us, in which I just found out, I am never out to win, because,

you just supersede all the doubts of mine, and that was when I found out I really do love you so

much. I thought I am just trying to be the winner, but I realised I fell so deeply in love with you without myself realising it.

+++++

+++++

+++++

+++++

+++++

=============================================

Merry christmas my hubhubie

Christmas

This festive christmas,

A cold and lonely one.

Thou surrounded by care of people,

but your heart is never warm up.

It is still as lonely as it is.

As cold as the Boston snow.

I wish I can sleep through Christmas this year,

or to escape from the crowd to a place where I do not have to put a creaky smile in front of everybody.

It is so tiring to smile and laugh where deep down you are crying, your heart is wounded and bleeding.

Can I just skip Christmas with no calls and parties?

Go to somewhere out of the map where no one can disturb me.

I am hibernating

Bring me back to life

P.S: I appreciate it people. Thanks, you know who you are

I really dont

I really dont blame him for what happened. Frankly I believe I love him enough, and I cant bring myself to hate or do anything which is harmful to him. I know alot of my dearies feel real unjustified for what I've been through. But please dont blame him. He is not as bad as what you guys think.

.

I know myself well enough that I will not be able to move on from now onwards. I simply do not have any ability to fall in love or to pursue the kind of happiness anymore. I have to apologise to him my love for blaming him that he ruined my life. Deep down in thought, those words I said were only words of anger. Some people will never understand why unless they have been through it before.

.

Maybe he is trying all his best to get me off his back, to shoo me away in all kinds. Well I just have to accept it as it is. Love is dumb in a way. The underlying meaning of this profound art. If you love him enough;

1. Although you will grumble about the lousy things he did but you never blame him.
2. You wouldn't bad mouth him in front of anybody even he did crap, because you love him more than any else can imagine.
3. You will suffer in agony quietly while sending prayers of well-being to him. Because it hurts more to see him going through tedious stress/pressure and uncertainty in all aspects in life.
4. You will feel like a mother, who naturally forgives and continue to love even he does folly.
5. You stand on firm on your end and continue to love him even thou you know there is no outcome.
6. You will be willing to wait as long as you can, simply you know it for yourself such love is irreplaceable.

.Sometimes kindness and simple gestures of love may turn into hatred when mutate with intensive hurt. I've made my struggle for the past few days. I had been thinking. As a revengeful person by nature I would by right have make guilt follow through him for the rest of his life. I made my struggle and come to consensus that, am I going to hurt the person I love so much with guilt for the rest of his life? or am I going to continue to watch over him through blesses and prayers to see him being happy one day? I have made my choice that even I am in immerse pain and hurt, I shouldn't hurt him in any ways of all kinds. Love is to see him being great and happy even though I might not be the one to share the joy with him one day. Well, thats life. Somehow It feels like I am fated to be his. No matter how hard I struggle to break free, how much hurt I've been through, I just cannot breakfree from this love.

.

I'll just accept it that whatever it takes to hold this through my life,

I wouldn't know when will happiness touch me again one day,

Through the days I cried he wouldn't be there anymore to wipe off my tears, or to embrace me with a warm hug, or a kiss to tell me everything is alright

but at least,

On his ends he knows, he will have the all of me for this lifetime, staying around him whenever he needs me and sending all my blesses to him in prayers and angels to brighten his path even without him realising it.

.

I am not trying to be a saint nor a hypocrite, to be unforgivingly generous nor a brainless airhead.

I just love him a little too much.

Probably I'll see him again when the time come, so in the meanwhile we just have to leave each other alone for our relationship holiday.

Probably in months or even years.

I'm so tired of being here,

Suppressed by all my childish fears.

And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave.

Because your presence still lingers here,

And it wont leave me alone...

These wounds won't seem to heal,

This pain is just too real.

There's just too much that time cannot erase...

When you'd cried i'd, wipe away all of your tears,

When you'd scream i'd, fight away all of your fears.

And i've held your hand through all of these years,

But you still have all of me.

You used to captivate me,

By your resonating light.

Now i'm bound by the life you left behind.

Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams.

Your voice it chased away, all the sanity in me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,

though you're still with me...

but I've been alone all along.

When you'd cried i'd,

wipe away all of your tears,

When you'd scream i'd,

fight away all of your fears.

And i've held your hand through all of these years,

But you still have all of me.

The reason behind

The reason behind my sprained back.

I've received more than a dozen of calls from friends who are concern about me.

Dont worry I didnt attempt any suicide or whatsoever.

Sorry for not picking up calls or returning messages.

I am fine.

.

The sprain is:

I was sleeping and was awaken by a crazy self inflicting nightmare which I often have recently.

I suicided, in my dreams.

I fell of my bed.

Thats all.

I dont want to face anybody right now, I know you guys are really worried about me.

But please give me some time to setter my feelings.

I am encountering an extreme anger and extreme saddness mood swing.

I am trying to curb this before I suffer from bipolar.

I know bipolar has got no cure for it.

I will seek professional help if I need to.

Dont get worry

Just leave me alone for the time being

And please dont ask me why.

This is it

当

当你需要我的时候，
我总是第一时间出现在你身边，
但，
为什么，
当我需要你的时候，
我就连你的问候都听不见?
为什么，
当我需要依靠的时候，
我只能靠自己静静的流着眼泪度过
.
I am just silly to trust him.
I am too silly to have that kind of faith in him.
I am just too naive to think that he loves me, he will cherish me and prevent me from hurt.
He can never protect me from harm,
because he is the core of greatest hurt made.
Why am I trying so hard to prove to others that he can be a great guy,
when he is always the one ruining what I've built?
What disappoint me the most?
He betrayed my trust and faith for nothing.
.

You can see my Heart beating for you,
You can see it thru my chest..
I'm terrified but i'm not going to leave like a coward.
Can we pass the test ?

because

I feel totally wrecked.

He never know.

I haven even recover from the previous hurt he made.

The incident where he left for his purpose.

I kept it to myself and releasing it only at this point of time.

He never know.

My heart is ugly,

scar by his hurt,

never recovered.

And he is stabbing new scar to my recovery wound,

I hope I can take it.

Before I announced I am offically dead.

Post 778

I woke up early this morning 8am.

I did my morning prayers, I just felt kind of uneasy.

I cant figure why and how to put across this weird feeling,

I have this feeling that my him is feeling unwell, which I really hope that my sense is wrong.

I went down on my knees during my morning prayers,

I don't know how and I cant elaborate why,

this is the 1st time I had such a long morning prayer.

I start to speak in tongue, I was amazed.

I entrusted faith, blesses and the healthy being of him to the angels.

I told god, please bless him; please send the angels to give him a healthy body, ( I cant be by his side to take care of him, at least for now ) and a brighter vision to walk his way through.

I really prayed hard, so hard.

I believe the angels are doing their job looking after my love,

to make him well again if he is unwell,

to lit his path when he is unclear and to help him along in all ways.

.

I wrote a long post last night,

Post 777,

but

I do not know why, the first thing after my morning prayers,

I deleted it away

and

type this

I just have to trust, and have faith in him.

That was POST 777,

in Christianity triple 7 actually means abundant of blesses.

I am............

I just have to trust and have faith in him.

你还。。。。

你还记得我吗?

我们还能这样开心的笑吗?
而， 我还能躺在你身边跟你一起开心的笑吗?

Eh.

I say

元大鹰

.

Some people

.

some wants to be pilot,

some wants to be a stewardess,

some wants to be a lawyer,

some wants to be a doctor,

or

hostess, accountant, economist, cook, waitress, engineer, mistress, vet, actor, artist, musician, giggolo, director, script writer, producer, smoker, towkay, designer, technician, worker, bus driver, wrestler, gambler, dumbo, bartender, gongfu master, monk, police, soldier, pastor, dreamer, drug addict, student for life, teacher, supermodel, gangster, bastard, carpenter, traveller, mission travellers, beautician, money splendor, social flower, bitch, drinker, informer, lunatic, fashion designer, jeweller, driver, rotten egg, cleaner, scholar, pencil-pusher, surfer, fire-eater, woman-beater, liar, man-eater, basketball player, football player, dentist, tattoo artist, pest-killer, cartoonist, critics reviewer, blogger, tailor, superstar, optician, cyclist, racer, coffee maker, mother, father, killer, magician, news cast, tai tai, judge, politician, . . . .

.

of all

.

the most difficult occupation to be is the woman behind his back.

也许 - 2

也许我最大的落点就是他，

我永远都会记得对他许下的承诺；

会爱他很久；

这个很久也许就是一辈子，

不管他是否在我身边，

我都会遵守我对他许下诺言。

我不会变。

我很肯定我对他的爱，

这份不容易维持的爱，带给我很多欢笑和眼泪的爱。

可能很多人觉得我傻的可怜，

但对我而言；

我选择了爱他，

就算结果可能是以泪收场；

至少我没后悔过。

如果时间可以重来的话，

我还是会选择这样的爱他。

我哭了

星期一下午接到他的来电，

又开心，又难过的。

心里觉得怪怪的。

我深爱的宝贝好相不再是我的

。

跟 宝贝 谈了一下下，

也对他说了我好想好想他。

我回问他有想我吗?

我也知道答案；时间和压力不允许他想我

。

宝贝向我道了歉

；对不起

可是我一点都没有怪他的意识。

电话线括了

我没有目标的在街上走来走去，

终于走到了一个安静的地方，

我哭了。

。

心痛的哭了，心疼我的宝贝。

但我什么都做不了，

我什么忙都帮不上。

就连想抱一抱他，帮他按摩按摩我也做不到。

突然觉得自己超没用的，

因为，我什么也做不了。

我只能默默的，静静的在背后帮他打气，

在每晚临睡前都会说；

宝贝加油!

。

还有，我从来都没有后悔过；

从来都没有后悔这么爱他

Rainy

今天的心情就象今天的天气，

冷冷的，湿湿的，

头重重的，心里冷冷的

昏昏沉沉的从梦中醒来。

傻了一天，也笨笨的又睡了一天，

庆幸烧终于退了。

一个没有你在的周末就这样过去了

我好想你哦

SHOUT

.

SHOUT SHARKS !!!!!!!

My nose is killing me like hell shit.

Am too tired today but I still gotta voice prayers and give thanks for those lovelies who are so kind to me and my love of course.

.

P.s: 1) Hubhub Baobei Jiayou !!! Wife wife love you always and miss watching PPS with you de la. Saying my prayers for you to stay healthy.

2) Many many thanks Christina and sweets for the gifts, Eng Han, Celest for the sms blessings. See you guys soon at Ooosh.

Some hayhay issues

Dinner was sucky today, some chicken chop rice turned out to be some horrendous " Chap Cai Peng ". I was hungry, I was pretty broke, so i didnt bother to order something else. I FINISHED the horrendous ' chicken chop rice ' - amazingly.

.

We headed down to croc-rock, - some lesbian bar to be exact and had some more than "decent" threesome talk. I do not know why are we discussing about the dick size of a volleyball player. Perpetually that doesn't make any sense or justification from this new friend, supposingly a professional volleyball player I call him V. He is Xl's buddy. They are comparing the dick size of a basketball player and a volleyball player. I am just a listening party as I haven dated a basketball nor volleyball player before and have no idea how to come along with the comparison.

.

Had my girlie's company for the rest of the evening and we ended up in Rachada. Xl haven been to a Thai club before so we headed down just for a session of " Show ". I met Marcus (An ex bf's cousin) at Rachada, and I told him very frankly, he put on Damn ALOT of WEIGHT; maybe CITIbank is feeding him well, thats why. I am cutting down on my drinks and I rejected all of their drinks. Eventually some idiots ( Marcus's friend's friend ) I dont even know who he is insistingly pushes Macallen to me which I really had to reject it rudely. Sorry I am not in a mood to entertain such moron.

. Am going to bed, has a solemnization ceremony at the Raffles club.

Oh ya, this is something I seldom remember during my relationship. Anyway, Happy 17th moniversary to my relationship.

NOTICE

MISSING

My hubhub went missing ;

Anyone please do nudge me if you happens to know that he is back alright.

Because

my life went colourless without his presence.

Laughters stretch to its minimum without his presence.

Colour my life back soon man !!

:-S

Prayers: Just bring some joy and peace to my hubhub during his stressful moments, I cant be by his side like how i usually does doing his back massage for him. I dont want to see him so stressup. Please do bless this man I love so much. Thank you.

Bodyworld Exhibition

They strictly DO NOT ALLOW photography therefore I can only document it. The exhibition is amazing and its located at the Singapore Science Centre. Admission is S$21 and S$17 ( Discount with Passion card ) XL has one and we only paid S$17 for the exhibition. I was there with XL after lunch today.

.

Each artifact has to go through plastination of 1500hours in order to get itself ready for the exhibition. Huge amount of labour work.

.

The first part of the exhibition is about the reproductive organs we have, both male and female. Definitely, yes there is alot of Plastinated kuku birds and animated pictures. It shows how the dick magically adjust its position inside the vagina in like all kind of position. The x-rayed picture shows how it fit perfectly and it somehow amused me. From the animated lighted board, I presume that the best position is the one with the female sitting infront of the male with the female's back facing the male. It somehow just hits the G-spot, i think so . . . .

.

We proceed on, the babies, foetus to be exact. Real foetus from week 1 to week 8. I urged those woman who had an abortion before not to go look at it, somehow i think they feel damn sad about it. You actually can see its shaped little hands at week 2. They have a nerve system even in early weeks and the foetus will feel pain in actions of abortion s0.. Just fucking use a Condom or pop pills and dont get pregnant if you do not intend to have a baby. Looking at the mini little foetus, you'll notice that actually human does have tail. A small little one which extend from our backbone. It just grew smaller and finally disappear as the foetus begin to grow. ( I clarify, I confirm that is a tail and not a dick ) The foetus is a female foetus.

.

Anyway this is one exhibition you see alot of plastinated dicks and testicles from human to non-human. They have those brains with tumour and strokes whatever, anyway I dont understand it other than the smoker's lung which is so hideously black. I can tell that the plastinated figures are of a prime age when they got preserved. Look at their muscles they just died somehow in their 20s and donated their body to the workworlds for educational purposes. I dont know why whenever I had my close up with the artifact, I feel like eating " Bah Gua " those preserved meat. I think my hubhubie will feel the same as I do after looking at those artifacts. Those pieces of meat just looks like the preserve pork we ate.

.

Back to the topic,

.

I saw an enormous horse in the exhibition and I was wondering with my girlie, is that horse for real? Its kind of too big/huge to be real. Looks like a baby giraffe to me thou. There is this old plastinated man with curved backbone. His penis is like sliced into half and has his testicles hanging on each side. He just got to bear with this for many centuries and maybe he is starting to regret sending his body for bodyworld.

.

I'll leave in the details. Just go and see it for your own. Its definitely educating and interesting.

.

.

P.S: I intend to catch this exhibition with my hubhub la, I know he is very interested in such exhibition. But Since my girlie requested for it ever since the Da'vinci exhibition, I do not want to disappoint her. Therefore, Lets go watch it again alright, when you are free'er and when you have enough sleep. Poor hubhub, argh . . . . . I just feel kind of bad * rolling my eyes with sigh * to dunno why suggest these stupid ideas to him and getting him into such tedious work *slap my head*. But I sincerely pray that what we have now, will be great blessings in months to come.

Argh

I am so nonsense,

I am sorry.

:-s

对不起 的哪 宝贝，让你难做 :-(

。

I am angry at myself and I deserve to be confined . . Blare. . .

我 心 疼 我 的 宝 宝