The escapees

I've noticed a cycle of pattern in him whenever he is swarmed up by pressures given. He will turn-on his escapees' mode. He will escape and runaway from it. I rally that he would choose to enjoy the fruit of love in receiving and chooses to walk-away when problem arise. He is great in short-term relationships but being in a long term relationship turns him gaga. Simply, he do not know how to manage it. His self-mode will goes on, in every moment he chooses to meet me up, seeing me means pressure. That is the reason why he started swaying away from me. He is afraid to hurt me. Therefore I believe that is the reason why he say this to me when I parted last night " Yeah, I won't be seeing my wifey any sooner." I never mean to exert pressures on him at all. The day I've decided to have this only man for my lifetime. I know I am all up to withstand these. There is nothing wrong to stand true and faithful for the man I wanted, to be understanding and hold strong faith to cross out his doubts. More than often he will land himself in a labyrinth of self conviction in our relationship. He has doubt in himself whenever he is ready to give and to commit. He has a constant fear of letting me down. He is easily bored out. Deep down I know he is afraid, afraid to face the uncertainty, the uncertainty to provide for a family. I know he long for one in his heart, to share a different kind of joy of a father, to have a kid of his own and be one great father. Its alright to be afraid because the responsibility is too hefty to shoulder. The pressure is too burdening at this point of time. He will search for alternative route to escape, party to make a pause in reality, booze enough to stop thinking about it for the time being. Back to reality, time is tickling away. What will be will be, I shall not probe any further. I will not dwell onto it anymore, when my time is up, I know I've did what I can with my best of ability. I can make answer to my life that I have not regretted.

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I just know somehow it seems like I was made to love him,

it seems like, I am part of him

and I belongs to him.

I don't know why, I just love him.

I don't know why, I can't bear to leave him.

and I don't know why, I just want to stay by his side.

Am I cursed or am I not?

I just want to love him.

Maybe I can only share the woes but not the joy with this man.

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There are different WANTS we desire in life. A family of my own which I long for. But time is not ripe. Someone decipher that my best timing of marriage is at the age of 28 just after my birthday. Having a family at age 28 will enhance and peak my financial wealth status, life will run smooth, help of * Gui Ren * will given and any point of downturns. This contribute my highest point in career at age 35 being a successful career woman with a blissful family where fortune is of abundance. He told me there is a man I met in my life who will groom me, nurture me and make me a maximise woman. He will make me grow mentally, more independently mainly because, he is the one who causes the bottomless valley in my life and he will be the one who peak my life as well. I come to realise that to climb up from a pitfall needs ample of courage. I do not know if he is the one, but I know he is the man who forces me to stand up by myself. The master told me for every turbulance I have to walk through myself which is so true, eventually peace will come and this man will be the one I will spend my life with and tie my knot at age 28. I missed the boat in year 2005, a man who can take care of me and be a darling to everybody. I am not going to miss my next boat 3 years down the road. In career wise, I am in the character of a human business, Master told me; I am lacking of metal in the 5 elements. To choose to work in a metal industry, financial sector or jewel/watches industry will bring me good. Thinking back, I did quite well back in Gliderol Door(s) an industry for metal doors fabrications. Oh ya, he told me that in future when I get married, the other half will be a great help as in partner of mine in business. Well I do not know how true, I wouldn't even know if ly will make the man? Just let the future tell.

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Just hope that turbulances will make us stronger in faith and love each other even more. We've been through enough and I hope that we will have smooth sailing in time to come.

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These are all for references. In another hand, I'll still leave my life in the hands of god. I know that he is great and has a great path for me to walk through. He hears my sincere prayers and I know he will definitely have the right man in mind for me. Lets leave everything to god.

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My prayers : For the past 15 months, I am drained up many times by the man I love with all I can. Even thou....I still want him to be happy, to vision his directions and to care for those who sincerely love him. It may not be me. But forget it, its ok lar.