Day 5

A note for the day: I think, that must be a will of determination and faith. It should be a kind of surreal feeling something very magical I guess. What does it feels like loving the someone for the coming years and may it be many decades alone :-) Its not about being silly or stupid. Because This is just one love that can never be replaced and you are staying true to it.

.

I know you cant promise that you wont hurt me anymore but I know you will try your best to make me smile again one day. I believe

.

I watched this video on Sexologist, I am ignorant that there are infact like some University of Sex. Not in Singapore of course. I am amazed that, assignments given to students of sexologist were practical of fucking your partner. If you dont have a partner/ meaning boyfriend/girlfriend, probably you can check on the cutest guy/ hottest girl in your course and ask if he/she could help you on your assignment. What an interesting course to be in. Then you call yourself a " Sex Guru " or probably some Dr of Sexology when you graduated in this University in Sexology.

.

Went for Kayden's 1st birthday party and headed down for Sherlocks holmes with Holly. Just came home and I couldn't stop missing him. It is just one of the many nights I guess that he will haunt me through the memories he left. But I know I have to move on. All I can do is to lock up my heart, chain it up and stop thinking about it. He holds the magical key to it and I shall just wait patiently hoping that he will unlock it one day.

.

. Today I miss the way I used to lie in his arms. I was thinking, if I haven questioned him so much for the answers, probably I will be able to have more time to cuddle in his arms and to hug him with so much of love for the one last time. I miss the way he snores when he is sleeping or pretending to be asleep. I miss the way he gave his thunder fart. For every kisses I gave on his forehead, it always means I've forgiven him. I just heard this somewhere, kissing on someone's forehead means he/she is forgiven.

.

Time for prayers and good night. I just pray that he has a good night rest and fresh mind to focus on challenges ahead.

.

Grace.

Day 4

I didn't expect that his news to be out so soon. Maybe things really didnt go according to his plans. I feel like a shadow ghost hovering over him. A skinny one somemore, and I hope I didnt scare him off with my " Yin hun bu san ". Maybe sometimes he will shiver and wake up in the middle of the night and say " Wth, why her again ". sorry if I gave such strong brainwave or shockwave. Slowly you will get use to it. I HAUNT YOU AH, then you will reply ; I HAUNT YOU BACK.
.
I am tired liao not writing anymore. I want to go say my night prayers and go to bed.
.
To be continue.....
. The most incredible dream on 1st of 2010.

Disclaimer: Sorry this is just human instinct, its just a dream anyway. Sometimes we call it a wet dream.

.
I had the most incredible dream. Its a sexual dream and it feels like last night I HAD the best sex ever. *Eh, Don't laugh * It feels so amazingly real and in fact I have multiple, (multiple is an underestimated word to describe it) orgasm throughout the dream. This person I am having sex with is a someone I haven even come across in my life. I dont know who is he. Anyway its pretty normal as I always dream about unknown people. In my dream; He is a pan-asian, named Jamison and of course he is freaking good-looking. I don't really want to describe the whole process as it may get kind too triple X. But seriously, Fuck . . . Its too real, the feelings the motions and of course the orgasm. * For those who are interested to know more, give me a ring and I will gladly share with you how much I enjoyed during my sexual dream. Hahaa... Because this Jamison is just too good to be true and he told me he should be the gift from god to women.* I kept thinking to myself does such person actually exist ?

.
Maybe this is what you will get at night when you tried to keep yourself physically away from sex, a total abstinence from it and forgetting you actually have a high sex drive. Anyway such dreams are pretty interesting as everything just happened in an imaginary boundary and its just so amazing. I know I am greedy, and I hope that Jamison visit my dream again tonight. This name Jamison will turn me on for awhile I think before the feelings he gave is forgotten in weeks to come.

.
.Back to reality,
I had my start of the year service with the SMARTER goals, service was a loud bang today and Tan Ee Peng did a great job. After service we headed down to Oooshh to meet Parry and Sherry up before we head down to Schocolate again. We have a new dish at Schocolate and were there to try out the dish. But well, I still prefer the steak thou. With all the picture taking Allen took with myself and Madeline, in which i warned him not to tag it up on facebook. Allen said I looked like a traditional demure Japanese house woman with my dressing. I am wearing Victorian style hello -.- Probably my hairstyle today makes me look extremely decent and of course DEMURE. *dont puke*. We were talking about face slimming with the guys and botox naturally comes into the picture. Its great and nice to see guys being image conscious, because I feel it is normal and basic instinct to look good in both male and female. Introducing 3 more clients to Dr Yeap, and I should demand for better discount in future visits to her clinic.
.
Went down to Singapore.Art.Museum to meet the girls up, I walked past cathay, hotel rendevous, kopitiam foodcourt, I cant help but to have memories of us. Its like walking through memorylane and I still remember the way you used to hug me at the traffic junction. I miss him and I know I will always do.

.
.Thats it for today and its time for prayers: I am praying for health in him, well-rest body and a greater faith to walk on from days to days. More faith in every step he takes to move forward. Greater strength for him to create opportunities as he moves forward. Dont let the setbacks tie him down. I want him to wake up everyday seeing himself walking nearer and nearer towards his goals and to know I am always there blessing him with goodness. Good night to the one who fills my heart, the one I will love always =)

Grace

Day 3

Today is the 1st day of 2010. I woke up today with tons of dreams in my mind. Tons of work to be fulfill in year 2010. Luoyi is working his best for his dream and I should be as well. There are more things awaiting and we shouldn't be wasting our lives away in things which keeps us stagnant. He is working so hard with his dreams, making scarifies and many others. Some told me how can he be so cruel. But deep in my heart he is not at all. He is making scarifies for his dream. Scarifies which hurts on his ends as well.

.

I am looking forward for his breakthrough this 2010. He certainly has become part of me. Thoughts, understanding and chemistry I guess. We are separated for a greater reason in life. A reason which constitute a greater outcome in life for the both of us. A great step which will eventually turn out to be blessings for each of us. Although physically apart, but the both of us knows, intellectually and spiritually we are connected. In times of need we will be there for each other. We have both planted a seed in each others heart and that special magical seed no one can replace or rob away from the both of us. Lets toast for 2010 with continual spiritual support for each other =)

.

2010 will be a great year for the both of us. I strongly believe. I believe. I will be counting the days. In days to come, there might be hiccups, there will be downturns, work may not be so fruitful, but I believe things will turn out to be fine. We just have to believe it.

.

Prayers: 1st prayer 2010, I pray to god that things for Luoyi will turn out smooth. His projects to go on smooth. He will go to Vietnam for his filming, his gala prelude will attract great sponsors, filming projects will be on-coming. I pray with my purest of heart. I thank god for giving me such a graceful heart and a peaceful mind. A motivation which will bring great success in work, in school, in the orchestra ministry, teach kids, play violin, staying focus. I know god planned a great life for me. Everything will be smooth just as long as I do my best and leave the rest of the uncertainty to the hands of god.

.

Grace

Updated: I am not on pills and I haven gone gaga..... So stop speculating. I just wanted to change a style of life with more fulfilling things. I am not trying to escape from the common group I used to hang out with seriously. Mr Huahua, so dont complain to me that I haven been free to meet up. 2010 start already, goodness sake please start planning and closing cases before it hits CNY. Enough of HOLIDAY MOOD, I am not running, I will be dashing and sprinting throughout the year, with intensive focus, directions and I will be extremely busy. Get down to reality ! Quarterly goals checkpoint should be checked !

P.s: I really hope Eileen wont scream at me when she see me next Tue. Time to get around to meddle with a new class of prospects. Geo.da'silva, eh I am back with higher accuracy and not smokebombs. AMCA, Strategic Sales and Sales Com, here I come ! At all means I am fucking getting my degree no matter what shit !.

Day 2 is super random

Day 1: Enough of panic attacks. The last one happened Tue morning and I told god that should be the last one.
I've done up my new year resolution.
1. I certainly and really have to cut down on my drinks because I have been doing alot of crap like talking nonsense and distrubing someone I shouldn't. " I am sorry about that ok " I think he is finding me very irritating, as I find myself irritating as well.
2. I need 2 years to clear up my lungs because Iam hitting my next point.. My 1st year starts tomorrow.
3. I need a stable body for childbirth. Those who knows me well enough will know what is that. Disclaimer: I am not pregnant now. I dont know, I just have this very strong feeling I am getting pregnant 2 years down the road, I don't know how to. I think by then I will know how. This has been troubling me for ages. I am not a crazy kid fan thou, I haven got myself pregnant before, So there is no child spirit following me or what ever shit. I just dont know why I keep dreaming of my child.
4. Money is an issue now. Because money makes the world spin. To raise a kid myself I need MONEY ! I am going to be a money grabber " With conscious de money grabber "

A spontaneous note: I found a wonderful kid, who's favourite book is to read the road directory. He is a walking GPS. He is only 7years old. He is an extraordinary Singapore kid. He wants to be a cartographer. He has photographic memory and he can draw out the whole ECP way in 15 mins with all the road names. His name is KAI. Definitely he is a good breed. Father : Japanese mixed British, Mum: Indian mixed Chinese.

.

I am packed the whole of this week and I will be joining an orchestra. I am playing the violin. I am excited to meet him up, * I forgot his name * so I named him as 'him'. Maybe on Saturday or Sunday? Not too sure, sweets is doing the arrangement. *Why is he call sweets* Because everyone calls him sweets.

.

Ok. I apologise last night I was kind of crap and talked abit too much. I dont even remember how much crap I told him. Hope I am still tolerable, I want to tell you boy, you are a maximised man, someone of virtue. I admire you. You are never ignorant. I think you should know, we " chao teng ni de lor ". ke yi de la hor.

.

To be continue. I need to go to Thomson.

Day 1

.

I've got no time to blog. Meanwhile just look at him.

.

Prayers: Do bless the little silly boy Arvin with peace and lesser trouble at night, and hope he gets peaceful rest. Send angels to watch over him and may he get his healing.

.

Prayers for luoyi to be great in health and perfect state in work, greater opportunities for career advancement to make my sacrifice a worthwhile. Give him a less stressful mind during sleep at night and angels to bring his work as planned.

.

Grace.

I believe

.

I believe we can,

do a break through together as individuals.

Today we begin living our lives as really separate entities.

Be the pact you gave,

I am not going to be an escapade,

and yes,

we cannot just sustain life with just LOVE.

But love can encourage us along.

I know you love me enough not to see me getting hurt by you anymore.

Lets move on but allow me to continue to bless you with daily prayers.

You are great and can be never belittled.

We will meet again, till then . . . . . . .

你也要为我加油哦!

One day,

2 straight lines will meet again.

What is 1 year when I am willing to wait 20 years or even longer for a love I longed.

Keeping time a constant, I will be always there, dont worry.

I just hope that,

The day you make it big,

I will be invited to share the joy with you.

洛毅我们会再见的。

晚安

.

PS: 当你需要我的时候，你知道的，我一定会在。应为，这是我为你许下一辈子的承诺。一个会爱你很久，任性，爱的承诺。加油吧洛毅! 有一天你变成 "伍大哥" 请不要忘了这个笨笨，傻傻的我!

:-)

.

I remembered you bringing me to the reservoir and telling me you love me in all languages. I miss having fun with you at Ikea and fixing the toilet bowl together.

The end yet the start

.

We are 5 days away from 2010,

and 2010 is going to be a GREAT YEAR for me !

My work schedules are fully aligned and I am looking forward to it.

Things are getting highly exciting on my ends.

This I strongly believe, and 2010 is going to be a breakthrough year for me.

.

Can you ever imagine that I have plans flowing in and in all the way till end march 2010.

From Mega Concerts to APMs meetings,more meetings, travel plans, on coming projects, woah. . . I realised I do not need to worry about life anymore. I do not need to think about shitty stuffs anymore and I believe he has a great plan for me.

.

Enough of Bear bear hibernation 2009 is going to end.

Seriously what have I achieved in 2009 other than landing myself in the ward or some nonsensical rubbish I had.

Those lousy nonsense are over.

I have never been so convicted and confident about my life before.

Thank God.

I am rearranging my life and I am going to prosper in everything.

YES

In family, in relationship with people, in life and of course in love.

I vision my path and it was him who lead me there.

Someone so close yet I have rejected for so long.

I finally accepted him into my life and I handed my life into the hands of his.

I truly thank you for shining light into my life and ended my cold winter.

The snow finally melted and spring is on its way.

It is peace, salvation and the final walk up calvary.

.

I have learn to love you more each day,

and I appreciate the love you showered generously onto me everyday.

You held my hands tell me why and taught me how,

You taught me not to hate but to love.

You clear my doubts and give me strength.

You gave me wisdom to judge the right and wrong,

You gave me love and a magnanimous heart to forgive.

You gave me peaceful nights,

You watch over me and make sure I don't do wrong.

Thank you for everything.

Thank god.

He is my Heavenly Father !

.

P.s: Prayers for all my dearies who are worried sick about me. Let joy and faith fill the heart of yours. Bring peace, health to my love. Show him visions and brighten his path. Bring on the faith in him and touch his heart to let him know he is never alone and I am always walking beside him.

Time after time

If you're lost you can look and you will find me

Time after time

If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting

Time after time

Time after time

Time after time

.

I really miss those days we had, simple and fulfilling. I miss our trip away from Singapore, although I do not know if he miss travelling with me. But I always put on smile when I click onto the photo album to browse. and I cant help but to giggles about the things he said every morning when we were away. Ya, he will force me to go and shit everymorning. hahaaa . . . . . . . . ^.^

礼物

今年的平安夜，

我收到了我第一份礼物,

一份爱的礼物，

一份包容，

一份应为很爱而有的包容,

可能他永远都不知道为什么，

应为我也不知道为什么我就那么爱他。

爱他是没有原因的吧。

那是一种无形，无色的东西，

会让你坚强，也会让你脆弱。

会让你执着，会让你固执

就算他在大家的眼里是超差的,

可能应为我很爱他，

爱的太多了，

他变成了完美的。

也许这是个没有结果的等待，

一个没有快乐的未来。

今生也不可能再爱别人

没办法，我也认了吧。

一当真正的遇见，爱上了，你也没办法逃。

想逃也逃不掉，

既然我忍不下心去恨他，

只能选择默默的爱他

也许有一天他会查觉。。

就也许有一天吧。。。。。。。。

.

P.S: My dear readers, my dear great friends and angels thanks for everything, thanks for the encouragement, Thanks for the letters, the long hand written cards of encouragement, the books I've received, hand carried or by mail. I really appreciate it. Many of you guys didnt speak, you guys didnt give buzzing calls as you know I want to be alone, I am just touch with a simple messages of care like, " Go girl, I am behind you"or "Just follow your heart, 老娘厅你!", things like " Its ok to fall down, we will back you up everytime you fall." 真正懂我的人，不会多说，可我知道你们都在给我打气。因为有了你们，我发现我是幸福的，你们\都没有放弃我 ，也没有因为我对他那傻到要死的执着而不理我。会因为知道我伤心不出门，而买饭给我吃, put at my doorstep, buy yakult for me. Sorry, Sometimes I didnt reply to the messages you guys gave, but I never forget you guys in my blessing list to god each night. The list is long but I still want to list it :-)

.

Holly

Lao lao

Victor

Steph

Sweets

Arvin :-) I am ok

Stacy

Liting

Joze

Roy

Rachel

Thank you so much . . . .

I thought

+

++

+++

++++

I thought,

If I drank enough,

the night is dark enough,

the music is loud enough,

I'll find someone who resemble you enough.

That will never happen when I realised that you are never replaceable.

That was when I realised I love you alot, I am not trying to be merely stubborn,

I am not trying to be the victor in us, in which I just found out, I am never out to win, because,

you just supersede all the doubts of mine, and that was when I found out I really do love you so

much. I thought I am just trying to be the winner, but I realised I fell so deeply in love with you without myself realising it.

+++++

+++++

+++++

+++++

+++++

=============================================

Merry christmas my hubhubie

Christmas

This festive christmas,

A cold and lonely one.

Thou surrounded by care of people,

but your heart is never warm up.

It is still as lonely as it is.

As cold as the Boston snow.

I wish I can sleep through Christmas this year,

or to escape from the crowd to a place where I do not have to put a creaky smile in front of everybody.

It is so tiring to smile and laugh where deep down you are crying, your heart is wounded and bleeding.

Can I just skip Christmas with no calls and parties?

Go to somewhere out of the map where no one can disturb me.

I am hibernating

Bring me back to life

P.S: I appreciate it people. Thanks, you know who you are

I really dont

I really dont blame him for what happened. Frankly I believe I love him enough, and I cant bring myself to hate or do anything which is harmful to him. I know alot of my dearies feel real unjustified for what I've been through. But please dont blame him. He is not as bad as what you guys think.

.

I know myself well enough that I will not be able to move on from now onwards. I simply do not have any ability to fall in love or to pursue the kind of happiness anymore. I have to apologise to him my love for blaming him that he ruined my life. Deep down in thought, those words I said were only words of anger. Some people will never understand why unless they have been through it before.

.

Maybe he is trying all his best to get me off his back, to shoo me away in all kinds. Well I just have to accept it as it is. Love is dumb in a way. The underlying meaning of this profound art. If you love him enough;

1. Although you will grumble about the lousy things he did but you never blame him.
2. You wouldn't bad mouth him in front of anybody even he did crap, because you love him more than any else can imagine.
3. You will suffer in agony quietly while sending prayers of well-being to him. Because it hurts more to see him going through tedious stress/pressure and uncertainty in all aspects in life.
4. You will feel like a mother, who naturally forgives and continue to love even he does folly.
5. You stand on firm on your end and continue to love him even thou you know there is no outcome.
6. You will be willing to wait as long as you can, simply you know it for yourself such love is irreplaceable.

.Sometimes kindness and simple gestures of love may turn into hatred when mutate with intensive hurt. I've made my struggle for the past few days. I had been thinking. As a revengeful person by nature I would by right have make guilt follow through him for the rest of his life. I made my struggle and come to consensus that, am I going to hurt the person I love so much with guilt for the rest of his life? or am I going to continue to watch over him through blesses and prayers to see him being happy one day? I have made my choice that even I am in immerse pain and hurt, I shouldn't hurt him in any ways of all kinds. Love is to see him being great and happy even though I might not be the one to share the joy with him one day. Well, thats life. Somehow It feels like I am fated to be his. No matter how hard I struggle to break free, how much hurt I've been through, I just cannot breakfree from this love.

.

I'll just accept it that whatever it takes to hold this through my life,

I wouldn't know when will happiness touch me again one day,

Through the days I cried he wouldn't be there anymore to wipe off my tears, or to embrace me with a warm hug, or a kiss to tell me everything is alright

but at least,

On his ends he knows, he will have the all of me for this lifetime, staying around him whenever he needs me and sending all my blesses to him in prayers and angels to brighten his path even without him realising it.

.

I am not trying to be a saint nor a hypocrite, to be unforgivingly generous nor a brainless airhead.

I just love him a little too much.

Probably I'll see him again when the time come, so in the meanwhile we just have to leave each other alone for our relationship holiday.

Probably in months or even years.

I'm so tired of being here,

Suppressed by all my childish fears.

And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave.

Because your presence still lingers here,

And it wont leave me alone...

These wounds won't seem to heal,

This pain is just too real.

There's just too much that time cannot erase...

When you'd cried i'd, wipe away all of your tears,

When you'd scream i'd, fight away all of your fears.

And i've held your hand through all of these years,

But you still have all of me.

You used to captivate me,

By your resonating light.

Now i'm bound by the life you left behind.

Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams.

Your voice it chased away, all the sanity in me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,

though you're still with me...

but I've been alone all along.

When you'd cried i'd,

wipe away all of your tears,

When you'd scream i'd,

fight away all of your fears.

And i've held your hand through all of these years,

But you still have all of me.

The reason behind

The reason behind my sprained back.

I've received more than a dozen of calls from friends who are concern about me.

Dont worry I didnt attempt any suicide or whatsoever.

Sorry for not picking up calls or returning messages.

I am fine.

.

The sprain is:

I was sleeping and was awaken by a crazy self inflicting nightmare which I often have recently.

I suicided, in my dreams.

I fell of my bed.

Thats all.

I dont want to face anybody right now, I know you guys are really worried about me.

But please give me some time to setter my feelings.

I am encountering an extreme anger and extreme saddness mood swing.

I am trying to curb this before I suffer from bipolar.

I know bipolar has got no cure for it.

I will seek professional help if I need to.

Dont get worry

Just leave me alone for the time being

And please dont ask me why.

This is it

当

当你需要我的时候，
我总是第一时间出现在你身边，
但，
为什么，
当我需要你的时候，
我就连你的问候都听不见?
为什么，
当我需要依靠的时候，
我只能靠自己静静的流着眼泪度过
.
I am just silly to trust him.
I am too silly to have that kind of faith in him.
I am just too naive to think that he loves me, he will cherish me and prevent me from hurt.
He can never protect me from harm,
because he is the core of greatest hurt made.
Why am I trying so hard to prove to others that he can be a great guy,
when he is always the one ruining what I've built?
What disappoint me the most?
He betrayed my trust and faith for nothing.
.

You can see my Heart beating for you,
You can see it thru my chest..
I'm terrified but i'm not going to leave like a coward.
Can we pass the test ?

because

I feel totally wrecked.

He never know.

I haven even recover from the previous hurt he made.

The incident where he left for his purpose.

I kept it to myself and releasing it only at this point of time.

He never know.

My heart is ugly,

scar by his hurt,

never recovered.

And he is stabbing new scar to my recovery wound,

I hope I can take it.

Before I announced I am offically dead.

Post 778

I woke up early this morning 8am.

I did my morning prayers, I just felt kind of uneasy.

I cant figure why and how to put across this weird feeling,

I have this feeling that my him is feeling unwell, which I really hope that my sense is wrong.

I went down on my knees during my morning prayers,

I don't know how and I cant elaborate why,

this is the 1st time I had such a long morning prayer.

I start to speak in tongue, I was amazed.

I entrusted faith, blesses and the healthy being of him to the angels.

I told god, please bless him; please send the angels to give him a healthy body, ( I cant be by his side to take care of him, at least for now ) and a brighter vision to walk his way through.

I really prayed hard, so hard.

I believe the angels are doing their job looking after my love,

to make him well again if he is unwell,

to lit his path when he is unclear and to help him along in all ways.

.

I wrote a long post last night,

Post 777,

but

I do not know why, the first thing after my morning prayers,

I deleted it away

and

type this

I just have to trust, and have faith in him.

That was POST 777,

in Christianity triple 7 actually means abundant of blesses.

I am............

I just have to trust and have faith in him.