The call

I understand why he reappeared in our drinking group again,

as usual,

his relationship expired.

No wonder he is so super onz nowadays which i warned him not to call me 4am in the morning asking where am I. . . .

The last time i saw Our "Beer Sian chua" was Zouk probably 1 yr ago.

He is good looking and has got no problems with hooking any girls up, literally "any".

Rich, good looking, has got the height and gentlemen...

but too bad,

he was being confined a year ago after sian-ning some girls and got dragged home by his gf.

A year later his gf expired "again".

The term we use,

is what he use to do,

putting an expiry date to every of his relationship.

Good luck to the next girl man.

Dah . . .

Thank you.

Yeah yeah yeah,

finally friday is here,

I've survive the week feeling better.

I realised how fortunate i am.

So many people who love me,

so touch . .

Thanks MM for the joke of a day everyday since last friday to cheer me up,

Its telepathy i supposed as i mentioned nothing.

Saloc who pm me whenever he sees me online,

brother brother messaged me,

check if i m doing fine.

and my dearest girlies.

Somehow,

many of them are not even readers of my bloggy.

After all god is still kind towards me to let me know,

to realise, i am well-loved by many.

May god bless all the lovelies whom i love and who loves me :)

Maybe

Maybe

one day,

he will realise he has the courage to love me with all he can,

one day,

he can put me infont of himself.

one day,

he will feel that he can love me with no reserve.

Time will tell :)

Kismet

Its kismet that we met.
We discover each other and fell in love with nothing in expect.

We just want to be happy.
Thou it was not long since we started dating,
we are happy,
appreciating, peaceful and comfortable.
I breathe the feelings of peacefulness after the night of rest back in his arms.
I will not love him lesser,
as i believe hipcups will make us stronger.
I just want us to be happy,

I do not want to give up.
We cant promise the future but at least for the present moment i know
we can still do what we can to make ourself feel
our home, peace and comfort.

Although the pathway is unclear,

but i really do believe that it is not a waste of time.

Maybe, eventually things may not turn out the way it might be,

at least i will not regret,

as i have given all i can.

I really dont (II)

I dont need your promises,

At the end of the day,

I just want to know my place in your heart.

I really dont

I do not want doubt or feel paranoid about what had happened.

I dont want to fall into the mental stress of that.

Something come into my mind and should i feel if i am being treated in the normal way i should be.

I come to realise i am always being hidden in a corner where he will bring me out only to people whom he feels no threat to.

I was waiting for him one late evening in town after movies with my uni mates.

He is around the vicinity with his friends for KTV session.

The movie ended and the big group got scattered.

Some went for supper and some headed home.

They asked me if i am heading home and i replied i am waiting for my boyfriend as he is having a singing session at Kbox,

Kay Heng pops by with the question of why am I not joining him and his friends.

I do not know how to answer his question.

I just replied casually Kbox cant smoke and i was smoking at the point of time.

Back in my head,

i know i wasnt even invited to join in the first place.

Most of them left, it was late,

Jason and Pinky urged me to join him and his friends as they do not want to see me waiting alone at that hour which was 2am in the morning,

and I really cant answer their question of why am i not joining him.

Back

I walked away from the traffic junction.

i told myself not to turn back,

i know if for a fact that what i will see is just the back of him.

Some how i still do hope that he will turn and take a look at me,

After all,

i still turned back to look.

I can only make a gentle smile of sigh when i expect.

Nightfall

Nightfall is the worst to me right now,

I just do not want to cry my pillow dry everynight.

Glad to see Ben and Mike when i head back to ceasars last night.

Ages since i last met up with mike,

and we were making fun of each other,

talking about the legendnary characters of our usual drinking group.

They exclaimed that why do i close down my blog?

* laughing * i just told them changed my url link,

all of a sudden i realised the amount of readers i have.

The people whom i call friends and the concern about how am i doing in life.

They just talk cock with me till Jess knock off work.

I head down boat quay with girl and her husband.

They know i am unhappy, i am sad,

they didnt ask me why,

they know for a fact i wouldnt reveal.

Thanks my dearies.

For the hugs and company till daybreak.

Moron

I was awaken by the phone call of some morons,

utterly someone whom i labelled "parasite".

I do not know why is he still living on earth gapping air of human beings.

Dont he even has a pinch of dignity?

The moronic Chen called to ask for a the cell number of my friend melly.

Sorry i am just too nice.

Didnt did i "f..k" him off or hung his line,

i processed his request and answer his question.

On my ends he just hung his line after he has gotten the numbers, although he claimed he did thank me which i doubt that i even get it.

Such loser,

i get irritated to even see his received call from my call log.

To see his numbers in my message list.

His name is long deleted from my phone directory,

or maybe i should put it back in my phone list with the initial name of L.O.S.E.R

He can hate me, and i dont even care a damn shit about it.

After all he is just a petty poor guy who ought to be pitied,

soooo . . .. pitiful to put on the strong act when its just an empty shell.

When you shake a coconut,

u'll realised it merely water in it.

The fact

It is fact that we've spend many happy and joyful moments together,

thou i am going through immerse pain,

i will still want our relationship to work out,

What ever that happened may tear us apart or make us stronger,

i am not in the condition to give anymore.

But i really hate to throw all our wonderful moments away.

It is the questions to be answered via actions,

how much are you willing to give and how true will you be to make me happy again?

Simply,

i just need to know how much do i worth?

or am i just someone who can be easily substitute?

The cellphone

I had been keeping messages of what he sent in my cellphone.

I notice a pattern in it,

as time goes by,

the messages just gets shorter and shorter.

I remembered seeing the message he send on August the 4th,

that he was ensuring me that he wouldnt be silly enough to do anything to hurt me.

I gladly believe in it.

Right now i really cannot differentiate anymore.

I am trying as much as i can to make this relationship work out.

I am not there to proof to anyone else.

I just want to be happy, loved and doted.

=========================

Thanks for all these while, if you think that you've love me enough, maybe you didnt. I might not be your destination, but towards me you are. It can be a destination of a long term resting peace or somewhere i can stop and tell myself i had enough and i have got no more love to spare. Your arms used to be the warmest resting anchor of mine, and your bed gives the longest and sweetest nap i can ever get. Now it gives pain when i realised its being shared even if it is in a split mintues. The pain wretch as if myheart would stop beating any moment. This is the second time encountering such pain. The first time of such encounter was when my younger sister suicided, i thought i've lose her because she is someone i love with the bottom of my heart. Have you realised how painful i was. now? and how much of a impact you are to me? You asked me; am i happier? and my answer was i wish i could. All of a sudden i just feel so belittled, belittled in the heart of yours. If one day i decided to walk away? Will you still hug tight in your arms to tell how dear am i to you or just look as i walk away? Maybe i just weigh a little heavier than a penny.

The painful smile

I fell many times harder than it was in the past.

I had to admit i am a real handicap in love,

no matter how much i gave,

the outcome always run me in tears.

It really makes me doubt, doubting of my incapability.

I surrender,

i really do this time round.

After all, I realised thats how much you love me.

The torment pain is killing and i really have got no cure for it.

It was the day when i strike the conversation with your mum,

and she was convincing me that the man who loves you will love everything about you.

I sigh in slience

I was in the bathroom,

and my eyes were filled with tears.

I doubt he loves me that much, maybe its just my assumption that makes me feel that he loves me alot.

I controlled it hard to stop it from rolling down my cheeks,

put on a smiling face and kept very quiet.
Its the most painful smile i had.

I really do not know how anymore.

I am faithless,

totally faithless,

probably towards him,

i am just someone who happens to be there most of the time,

giving and giving which gives make no harm to him at all.

Maybe he did whatever he can to "fulfill his role".

It can be example as the cast of a scene.

It is beautiful but at the back of it.

it just stood there with the support of some removable wooden planks.

Once the last scene is done up, the beautiful castle will be gone.

The castle will never be the reality.

After all,

setting up of the scene is just a temporary process.

Sigh,

seriously i really do not know when will this miserable heartache of mine end.

But i am definitely true about what I've said in the past.

He will really be the last man who intersect my life.

As i know it for a fact if this relationship is going to fail one day,

i really do not have to courage to accept love anymore.

The light from the end of the tunnel was an oncoming train (ll)

She stops and her leg was badly cut and she just lied there motionless.

her heart pumps, oozing flesh blood,
it is bleeding furiously,
her heart contracts and pulls,

Wretched tears streamed down her face like tiny waterfall each drop a despairing testament of disappointment, diminishing faith and love.

She is just too disappointed.

and

She was too afraid to move.

Images of the joyful past flash off her mind.

She cant stop weeping, she cant.

She thought he could be the angel who carries her across the path of broken glasses when she was crawling on them.

While she was cuddling in the arms of him feeling secured while he walked her across the broken glasses,

he dropped her,

she fell even harder,

She falls back onto the bits of broken glasses where she was crawling on from the start

with more cuts all over her.

Now she is withered,

faithless,

emptied,

loveless.

He stretches his arms at her once again,

this time round,

she dont even have the littlest of strength or courage to even lift to look at him.

The light from the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train (l)

Months after,

the handicap picked herself up with the help of someone whom she trust, she stood up with the only leg she had. She is afraid to walk and she just stood there fearing that she will fall the moment she take that step out. After many days and months, she grew faith and the trust increases, one fine day, she told him, i would like to learn to walk but only if you are there for me. He stretches his arms without a second word and she finally took her first step, he grabs her firm with his strong arms making sure that she will not skip a step, she walks on. Each day steps by steps, steps by steps. In days and months to come, picked herself up with who she used to be in the past with the encouragement of this man.

One day, she decided to climb a hill with her close to heart " clutch " which is him. She knows it will be a challenge and she was full to the brim to accept it as she knows, he will be there to catch her fall. They walked up hand in hand although there are milestones which trips, but they didnt fall, as they walked, they enjoyed the greens and sweet scent of fresh air throughout the woods. Step by step they managed to reach the hill top. The scene is beautiful, the grassland was green. The breeze blew through the tired face and evaporates the sweat they had. They sat down, side by side enjoying the hard work they reap. The scene in front of them, is more that what it pictures. The underlying meaning for her meant so much more than to enjoy the breeze and to lie in his arms. They sat there side by side enjoying moment of sunrays as the sunsets.

The sky turns grey and it's time to head downhill. The path downhill were dim but she knows he will be there to guide her though the path. The momentum downhill was fast, she but she know he will not allow her to fall. The dwindling path was rapid, and the path was dim, in a skipped heartbeat of second, she realised he freed her, she loses her balance and fall off the track, she leaps and roll downhill, she tried to reach for him but his arms were crossed. He just stood there motionless. The speed were rapid and she couldnt stop. She hits the trunk of a tree where she finally stop.

Colourless

untitled

Thoughts

Thoughts,

thoughts of his thoughts,

the thoughts of mine,
the tone of his which sound troubled.
Uncomfortable
I am unsure was it the hormones imbalance in me to causing this insecurity,
was it the stress factor in work which
stir the emotion in me lately.
I tend to flare easily towards things which agitate me.
I am unhappy,
I am unhappy not because i didnt get to see him as often as i can.
I just feel very tight up,
tight up mentally and physically.

I am sure that everything is doing fine,
I am just late due to the hormones imbalance,
work stress, and the constant hormones injects i used to have.

Hopefully the regulating pills given by my family doctor helps to ease my idiotic pre-menstruation synthoms otherwise i am really going crazy with the cramps, the pain and vexed-up self.

Please get regulated soon to save my water-retention, backaches and cramps.

Surprise

I am surprise to see hubhub at tpy last evening.

I thought i wouldnt have a chance to see him for the week as both of us are occupied with work.

I really miss him so much though i just got to see him on monday.

I would gladly push away all my activities last night to keep my hubhub company for the late evening,

but too bad hubhub has his own plans for the evening so i headed on with my meet up with long time friend Wendy :-s

The Attica night

Ages since i last stepped into Attica. As usual the place is flocked with SPGs and non local faces. The China Chinese, Japanese,Korean, Indians ( the blacks and the white )and the usual "Ti Ko" Ang mos. whats unusual? I was bumping around with the 2 Huas . . Wendy Tan Hua Hua and Jason Teo Hua Hua. Mr Teo and I were shooting around with our sales preach and improvising on the scripts we had in work. Jason was commenting that why didnt i bring Wendy along to LY's place during chinese new year? if that is the case he would have stayed longer. . . Jason and his " coloured wolf " looks sigh . . .

I still miss you as much as before

I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u I pink u

I pink u, my lovely hubhub; that special someone who occupied my heart, someone whom i really miss so much. I am familarise with your presence beside me at night. When the night falls, i cant help but to miss you even more. Even though, there are yet to be promise that we will be able to build on a home of ours in the future, just let the days count on. Uncertainly may just hit on the greatest surprise in my life and I just want to remark on, :) i am willing to spend my the golden years in my life with you my lovely.

Joke

I find it a realistic fate joke to see how people got twisted around by something which they claimed "Love" and getting themselves into shit-holes. Some got up, out of it and emerged stronger while some just struggled and feel that they can be happy about it, which; many knows its endless of agony. I just feel that love should be simple and easy to comprehend. Its the unlimited care and concern you gave not asking for any return, deep in your mind, you just want the person you love to be happy. It shouldn't be hound by scheming thoughts and it should not be build on grumbles. I've learned as i fell, not to commit the same mistake again. The mistake of being forgiving. Simply, some people just don't deserve the second chance, they ought to be shot. I am not trying to be crude or merciless, we just got the accept the fact, thats life.

Distant relationship . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .

I reckon distant relationship as a taboo to myself and never will i to get myself involve in such tedious and unworkable love. It is said that . . . blah blah Love conquers all, thats utterly bullshit. Majority can't survive their love on just a line of communication although there is a minority who really did it. As i said they are the minority. Therefore, "no thanks" for distant relationship even though its 4 hours flight from me, anything out of Singapore considered "Distant" not to conclude on the almost a day behind state New Jersey. Why create unneccessary trouble? Its a waste of time, money and effort which gives no gain but agony at the end of the day. This makes a point that i will only build my relationship with someone reachable.

In the topic of distant relationship there is someone whom i feel like rewarding him with 2 tight slaps across his face to tell him to wake up his idea. What is the point of feeling sad when there is no point to? In the first place, it is so freaking visible its not going to work out. ITS NOT going to WORK OUT! No matter how many time you fly over or she flies over, you know it for a fact that she cant make a house-woman, she is rich, she do not need to work, she is spoilt and she is so much older than you. Attractive to be a potential fling which ignites passion in your life but " dah " that is not going to last. I really wondered why people get themselves into distant relationship where they know it for a fact there is a high possibilty that its going to fail as time goes by? Especially in times where attractions and temptations are all over the place.

. . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .

Well, I am still glad that;

In point of emergency of emotional moment or whatever, i know my hubhub will be there for me because he is physical. His hugs are physical, his adoring is physical, his caring and concerns are physical.

Muddlehead

It was Monday, i left hubhub's place and headed home to prepare myself for the seminar at Spring board. I was running late and i was brisking all over the place to get myself to the meeting room. I couldnt find it and messaged Alvin to confirm the venue and timing. Immediately i got a return call from him laughing at the muddlehead me. The meeting seminar is on wed instead.... " Gua gua gua . . . . ."

Pampering Valentine

The table of pampering from my lovely hubbiee,

Wonderful live prawns;

yummy yum,

so fulfilling and heavenly

Look at me again,

my hubbiee will cook you alive and be our delicacy

The Mynah family

It is said that it is a lucky sign when birds set their nest in the place you are residing.
True enough,
it is,
the day my dad discovered the nest,
on that very evening our unit number came out to be in the third prize of the 4D,
and what is worst,
no one bought the numbers.
Shit.
The next day,
I casually came out with 4 numbers,
3 eggs and 2 birds.
which make up 0002,
again we missed the chance of striking even the consolation prize.
We feel that the numbers are too lame . . hahaa
well no luck.

One happy Sunday

The place which gives sun burn to myself and my wu brown brown.

The upper body of mine,
The scrawny legs of brown brown.

Director Eric with the main leads of the shoots

Playing the buddha role with the reflective board during our fun having times.

-------------------------------------

Special thanks to my lovely wu brown brown for bringing so much joy and love to my life.
The lovely night and endless laughters
The " I pin-k you ah "
:)
you are so lovely.
Thank you for standing by me when i am feeling low,
those care and concern you gave were so heart warming.
Thanks for all the encouragement.
You are the apple of my eyes.
Love you lots.

New family

The new family member,

staying around my air-con generator area.

Its a pair of mynah birds and their off-springs.

But i have no idea how come the bird eggs are light blue in colours.

Anyway soon we will be able to hear chipping sound of the mynah juniors

Vulnerable

It was evening at Serangoon road,

I left daddy kong's place and headed down towards the MRT station for my appointment.

The sky was grey and it was drizzling.

It was green man at the traffic junction,

I was crossing the road when an idiotic malay driver came driving by and dashed its way right in front of me.

I was less than 10cm away from the wheels and i could feel fear and shock.

The left turning speed of the sedan was fast and

I almost got ramped down by a stupid idiot KIA sedan.

It surged of the fear of death overwhelmed.

I was dumbfounded and the moronic KIA didnt even attempt to stop,

the pedestrian at the crossing were taken back,

and i just stood there.

I heard some aunties cursing and swearing in Cantonese.

I do not know why,

i was just too slow to react and i walked to the other end of the road.

All of a sudden i feel life can be so vulnerable,

you can be in the right way of life yet shit happens.

You can be taking the route you've walked pass for a thousand times,

and probability of shit can happen.

This gave me a warning,

never to drive fast on the road anymore as its definitely never worth the beat of time.

The vulnerable pedestrians.

The chance of an accident.

It happens,

I m not here trying to put my talk for any accidental insurance policy of my company,

its just a thought and a reflection of me which happens in the day.

I was puffing my cigarettes and walking on the usual path home after my appointment,

ample of what if came into my mind.

the amount of undone stuffs which overruled my mind on that slow stroll home.
My life should'nt be wasted,
its time to get back to the society with volunteering work to balance up my rejection rates,
to keep myself moving and stay motivated.

Its in a click of mind,

it may it be my job interference or not,

i am pretty relieve that i have the ability to cover myself for half a million to be responsible for my family.

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Dear all friends and lovelies, please be extra careful when crossing roads even when you are in the right. Its pretty scary in a way as what had happen to me in the day. It somehow like an enlightening point to love myself and the people who loves me. I realised we can be really vulnerable. After telling many people, many stories about how protection is important, i finally enlighten myself and got myself in the shoe of a common consumer. The fear will not be there until u come close to it. You may say : Heng ah when you got shave close, but there is also otherwise. It is whether we will want leave it to chance or do something about it.

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Love Pack

Work in progress Love pack
and i just want to say that i really miss him lots.

PAINT BALL

The first team to start the fire,

with the top producers of the branch.

Afternoon drivedown to the bottle tree park for some paintball action lead by the Synergy Team.

Nice shot for our team with team-mate,

winning 2 rounds in a roll.

Web Cammy

I have been sitting in front of my writing desk for the past 4 hours doing research on my dateline due report on the 22nd this month.

I am hounded with aching neck and tired eyes.

My eyes turned bright when i see the pop-up window of my msn showing the online presence of my beloved hubbiee brown brown.

We're a pair of weird couple,

we seldom spend time hogging on the phone nor smsing each other every hour.

It will be once in a blue we catch each other online by chance and start striking some

conversation within us.

This is the first time we catch each other on web cam,

he is so cute,

especially when he pout his lips.

My brown brown magic tricks on web cam,

so funny and so hilariously sweet.

What can i say,

you always buzz me around with unexpected surprises.

*Hugs* for the impromptu magic tricks web cammie which ease the tension nerves of mine.

Love you.

The lookalike smell

The feel is out when i come across these pictures.

Family portrait

It is final that our family shoots will be done up this weekend.

After many decades of misunderstandings, quarrelsome jealousy, fights and tears,

the family finally get together on Chinese New Year 2009 for reunion.

The past decades fights between the 3 maternal grandmothers of mine should bygone.

Those heart aching wrench should be soothe by time.

Feelings of the inner hearts should be resolve without any grudge.

The day the 3 families come together with smile on our faces.

The unresolved and negative feelings of the past should be release.

Thou its the matter of the past era,

I am glad that i am the one who hold the initiative to bring us together.

I rewind the scene 2 years ago,

and realised its my job which motivates me to get in touch with people whom i've lost touch with,

may it be on the objective of business approach or personal.

I realised at the end of the day,

it is fulfilling.

Make Tomorrow happen

I realised that procrastination is my worst enemy when work and studies are concern. Datelines and more datelines. Its time to get back to some serious work done and make tomorrow happen for the right reason.