Jolene

(Sorrie for some reasons, blogger just cant publish my pictures up)

I've known Jo for many years and she is my direct Boss when I was holding my first job.
She was the company for my trip to Langkawi.
She is a cool and daring lady I should say,
sincere and straightforward.
We suppose to go on island hopping on the second day of our trip,
but the rain just induces the both of us to be tucked in bed till noon before we decide to go for some horseback trekking along the mountain trails and coast line.

Horseback ridding along the trails were fun but damn tiring and resulted in stiff backs.

Anyway it was being remedy by the 2 and a half hours massage at our resort.

Riding onto propeller jet driven by co-pilot Mama Jo.

Its a scary experience as, the jet take off with enormous trembles,

hell god, i thought we might just crash,

It bumped 2 times before the jet officially took off.

I was bitching and yelling through the mouth piece where I was wearing.

It is impossible to communicate without our headset and mouth piece as the little private jet is just so freaking noisy with roaring engines and the noises created by the propeller.

The jet allows us to fly for 400km and I was practically looking 90 degrees down at the Langkawi coast line when it tilted.

It was pretty scary as there is only 1 safely belt and it just gives the feeling that you may just fall off the half open windows anytime.

Another disgusting feature is that you just keep on sniffing the fuel burn out there is no airconditional or whatsoever filter in the jet.

After all its an experience I've never tried.

Its a long day and we finally setter ed along our private beach watching the sunsets with our beef steaks dinner.

-

The night fall,

its time for massage and night market shopping along the streets.

Tourist stuffs as usual,

wooden Balinese stuffs like bangles, earings, blah blah blah,

handmade photo albums which reminds me of my dearest gift for me when he was at Bali last year.

Nothing makes gift material for my hubhub as I just feel he have seen plentiful of those in Bangkok and getting anything for him seems meaningless.

-

At the balcony of our resort.

indulging in food again,

oh by the way,

Mama Jo is a big eater just like I do,

we have the same petite size the only difference is that I am 10 years younger than her.

We had lobsters, crayfish, satay, mee gorang . . sinful supper I should say.

Smoking away and catching up about our lives,

problems we faced, may it be single [ me ] or married [ Jo ].

Jo just said something to me which i feel its so damn bloody true.

You will meet that someone,

feeling unusual,

you freaked yourself out to realise OMG,

you are thinking to face this particular person for the rest of your life.

Thats what happened to Jo and Lex 10 years ago.

Although disagreements arise,

but somehow each of them know,

no one is gotta give up.

At the bottom of their heart they knows this is the hand I would want to hold on to till I am old and grey.

He flashes through my mind instantly,

and I was telling Jo,

well what I feel may not be what he feels.

I may stay determine in a way,

but somehow I just wouldn't know when would he decided to give us up again.

Myopia in love

I suppose I am suffering from a myopia in love.

My view is unknown,

I just couldn't differentiate what is true and what is untrue anymore.

I just keep walking on with my eyes closed, and ears blocked.

I just feel with my heart with an unknown outcome.

It may end up to be scram or an outcome out of expectation.

I really have got no idea what it will be like.

But I will still keep on walking,

walking through the fog with my slightest faith

and hopefully I will see you at the end of the mist welcoming me with your open arms and assuring me you will not hurt me anymore.

Please dont make my love for you turn me into the dumbest woman on earth.

妈妈

I remembered the day when I am having a bad flu.

It was last Saturday.

I slept early.

Mum open the door of my room,

walks in and touches my head.

She tugged the blanket for me and lowered the fan speed.

She poured a glass of water and left it by my bedside.

I love you mum.

-

I was talking to his mum over lunch this afternoon,

and he should realise how fortunate he is to have such remarkable mum.

I respect his mum very much and it is definitely a difficult task to bring a kid up by herself.

Being though all the tough times with the greatest love on earth.

His mum teared as she talk,

and I really do felt the kind of hardship she had been through bringing him up all by herself.

She is indeed a remarkable lady to respect.

-

If you happen to see this post, :) remember to give your mum a good back rub tonight as she had a fall during her trip. Give her a warm good hug, with your mask on and tell her, no matter what happen, you will be always be by her side. 你要好好爱你的妈妈，不要再跟她顶嘴。

-

Over my ends, I will give my parents a nice foot massage tonight before I leave for my trip after meeting tomorrow afternoon. I will be back on Sunday. Please drink plenty of water and take good care of yourself when I am away.

香水有毒

我已经很努力了，

可我真的给不了你在很多年前失去的那种感觉。

我只能说，

我用了我所有能给的爱，

就只单纯的希望你能快乐。

-

我曾经听人说过，

吻在额头的意思。

意思是；我原谅你了。

我真的很爱很爱你，

也真的很愿意牵着你的手，

就只对你一个人好，

一直到老。

也应为这样，

我真的受伤了。

Lost my way

Its a freaking hell experience this early morning when I took the expressway back home.

BKE PIE was close therefore I was left with no choice but to turn out from the Kranji Turf club.

I watched the road sign while I puff onto my cigs and turned into Kranji.

I thought the I could just take the old woodlands road back but ended myself in the Kranji industrial park,

I passed by the Kranji Dam,

the goat farm . . .

What happened next is the exciting part of the story.

I saw old Choa Chu Kang and I make a turn out.

The road was intense with fog and I turned my high beam on.

The scary part is that,

not a single car to be seen.

I drove fast thou the bends and turns were sharp,

the road is similar to those ghostly cabby folks we used to hear.

Therefore I start to tune into perfect 10 for some R&B.

Guess whats the next sign.

FUCK !!

I landed myself in Lim Chu Kang and whats that?

within seconds,

I see Christian Cemetery,

followed by the Muslim Cemetery

and blah blah blah.

I drove even faster and I come to a traffic light junction.

All of a sudden I feel that I am out of the map.

The bends and turns seems endless.

I saw my saviour FINALLY,

NS man doing some road expedition !!!

ARGH . . .

I pulled over my car,

showed my helpless look,

Please direct me out of this god foresaken place.

Thank god,

after 3 mins of driving,

I saw HDB flats.

Intensified

There is a hefty swirl inside me,

holding me up not to be tore apart.

The madness pain finally overwhelmed.

I was awaken by my massive cough and I told myself that is not the way when I throw out something unexpectable at the washing basin.

* Dont worry its not worms *

I keep telling myself what is mine will be,

and what is not will never be.

This sentence keep running through my mind and I thought I would feel better in a way.

Physically show its way.

It shoo me out of the way.

I hate my body, why does it always give such signals when I my heart start to tear?

I supposed I am so freaking hell weird,

weird Dee'javu dreams which happen over and over again.

Mind tricks,

Bruises start appearing,

physically tricks.

Dont tell me I am a werido psychic,

someone who can predict all the worst outcome but not the great ones.

-

Nothing to complain about,

well thats my choice.

My promise made,

yes, I will still be waiting.

Everything and every promises made to him will remain unchanged.

I am definite,

It can be really a lifetime,

no one can replace the love I've given till its brim.

I have got nothing left to give it to anyone else anymore.

My funeral

Weird enough I dreamt of my own funeral,

Its a simple funeral wake,

I saw myself lying in the coffin, wiped with a smile.

I know I had a peaceful death.

Weird enough I looked thru the glass window,

I was pretty young.

I see alot of people in my wake,

litterally everybody,

some with kids and their husbands (I saw Weiping's husband lolx, some unknown face dont ask me who)

Its gotta be a long list if I will to name everyone out.

they are not smiling and they are not crying.

I didnt get to see my parents in my wake,

probably in my dream,

they are already awaiting for me in heaven.

One by one they walked up to the mike and say things about me.

I was viewing everything as if I am invisible.

I hear every single word each of every dear friends said and I am really touched.

Even the quiet one Arvin spent a good 2 mins speech about me.

I teared when I was asleep and realised it when I woke up,

I remembered this speech clearly and it was given by Johnny.

-

_ Johnny said: :) I got to know her @ Zouk, she was only 20. Remarkable I am now at her wake after so many years. We keep in touch and she is indeed a treasure to many of us. I cant deny that she is so true and generous. I will always remember her smile and the K9 teeth she has. It is difficult not to dote someone like her. She is always so thoughtful, not to gain any respect but sincerely wants people around her to be happy. Lets make a toast to Seven, with her favourite beer.

-

didnt expect that Johnny did appear in my 'dream' funeral.

And Chile Summer my dear accountant whom I got to know through Fannon.

The whole group of them were there,

sounds like a party more than a funeral it just that everything is so cool,

my funeral is theme dark purple and black.

My Sister finally took over dad's business and she did real well with her own concept of gothic and memories of the last journey, no super sad songs but my favourite song from De'sree.

-

I was looking around my own funeral in search for him,

where the hell was him,

why was he not at my funeral?

He finally appeared within my eyes,

dressed in black suit and dark purple tie.

I followed him as he approached my coffin.

I watched him looking at my dead corpse through the window.

He stretches his hand and touches the glass.

He tighten his lips while he looked.

I cried when I see his eyes turned watery.

My dearest please dont be sad, I was crying and telling him at the same time.

He just starred at my corpse,

he said 3 words which broke my heart instantly.

I am sorry.

-

This is just a dream, a dream which makes me cry when I looked though my dream diary. This is only a minor part of it. There is continual episode for this funeral dream, I dont know why. I am a weird person who dreamt of weirdest stuffs in life. But its ok, they make me grow as in my dream everything is so freaking real.

A dream which makes me reminisce of people who left me and one dearest who is almost gone, that was when I learned how to cherish .

This makes me remember how I cried when I saw my friend being cremented many years ago after she suffered a fall.

To all my readers, ya. . . really do treasure everyone around you, especially your family. If you guys alway feel that your mum or dad is nagging too much, well just take it for a fact. Likewise I will never talk back to them, at least this is the minimal I can do because I really love them so much.

I always believe,

one will not tear during a wake unless you realised you haven done enough,

but its too late.

So dear people, remember to tell ur mum and dad you love them always ok. And to treasure all the friends and people who loves and care about you.

so sick

I am ill but my heart is weaker and more fragile than it seems.
I have got nothing to say,
nothing to comment about.
Just a single word after all the truth backdated from the day he decided to prepare black pepper crab breakfast for me.
Utterly disappointed
other than disappointment is there another word to replace something worst than disappointment?
*Those dont worry lar, cook for you* seems like words said just to pacify,
Initially your stomach turns sour,
the gust of body reaction which makes your heart contract.
You just couldn't control the tears,
and
thats the reason why I have got such puffy eyes tonight,
stop asking me why before I punch my scrawny fist out.
She is so tired, ill no longer mentally but with cough and slight flu and she really tired so hard,
so hard and so damn fucking hard to make things work.

0

Stop killing those who really do loves you,

who really care,

.please.

I always tell you to cherish not only myself, but people around you.

I've seen too many,

and feel too many.

Likewise what I told you,

yes,

I love you too much,

I may forgive over and over again which is true.

I will not hold any regrets because I really do care so much.

=

The reason being . . .

Please do not tell me I am sorry at my 'funeral wake'.

Chou down

Fu should get copyrights from butter factory

Had a great night with you guys,

from velvet --> phuture --> butter factory

with the universal adapter to the nivea deodorant.

And all of those went into the jug of orange juice,

OMG.

Thank god Fannon didnt chou the jug of orange juice down his throat after the screams Richard junior and I gave.

Headed home without suppers although Jerry called to invite me for supper with erm as they were leaving phuture for supper.

Argh. . .

Gave a lame excused as I just do not want to head down to Zouk to see "people" get disperse and making myself feel uneasy in a way feeling like strangers somehow.

Thats it for Friday evening.

Time to get some vitaminC, plenty of water and make a pass for yesterday.

The Question

The question he pops last night of how much do I love him.
I didnt give any answers of substances.
Deep in me,
I started pondering and a definite answer surfaced.
I didnt want to freak him out.
I love him,
enough to use the time of my lifetime to see him happy and feel loved.
The love that will not die out with time,
the care that continue till one day he grow old and grey.
I cant compare the love his mum shower him with for the past few decades,
but if he dont get bored over me and is willing to tolerate me for decades,
I will do the same to love him and his mum as well.
If his mum is the woman who love him the most in the universe,
probably I am on the 2nd place.
If we really make things happen in a way,
30 years down the road,
he will still see me lying beside him, giving him the acupuncture massage before bedtime with my wrinkled hands if only he won't mind and brewing tea in the morning for his mum.
Don't give me any scenarios of what would I do for him,
because the answers are just smokescreening my pride.

-

It was last Monday when I collapsed due to my low blood pressure count which is not within my control and that hasn't happen for the past 2 years.

The moment he carried me in his arms before I literally blank out,

the feeling is more than what I can describe as I've never in my life encounter such warmness ever in my life even with my parents.

After that,

I just lied on the bed

watching him preparing warm towels for me.

Thanking him and loving him even more.

-

Enough the story of myself and him.

Hereby showing the greatest appreciation to all the help my dear friends/clients for the trust and assistance in work.

Thank you and I will do a good job not letting you guys down.

Ghost of the GF's past

The truth is,

the lesser you invest your love in a relationship,

the more control you'll have over it.

~ ~

Sometimes you control and choose not to give all the love you have,

but somehow,

without realising it,

you've already given all you can.

The bumble bee in White

Mazda 121.

The bumble bee hubhub own,

but in Yellow which gives the name bumble bee.

Adorable and vintage with a sunroof

:x

I know that he doesn't sound happy as things are not going fine on his path.
In a way or another,
the littlest thing I can do is to stay around his side with sincere encouragement.
True and faithful prayers hopping soon to be answered.
I have never abandon the faith to see him getting on track and excel one day.
I really did not.
I know at times,
he feels real confuse and that is when he start to doubt.
How I wish I can give a warm hug to him right now as an encouragement to ease the doubtful mind of his.
My heart did sank upon hearing his dishearten tone of voice.
How I really wish there is something more I can do.
I really do.
I will be always here,
right in the little unnoticed corner saying my prayers, encouraging you during doubts and affirming who you deem you are.
I know and I am sure,
我老公是个好演员 !!!
不管发生什么事，我一直都会在。
不要灰心，因为我相信宝宝是可以的!

我会一直牵着你的手，为你祈祷，

因为我不会放弃你，

所以你也不能放弃。

你一定要加油 !!!

? ? ? ? ?

In general,

we often conclude and dictate the men we met,

we are the ones who gave choices and open options to the others.

I am really puzzled with things happening around me,

there is absolutely no intention of being paranoid or whatsoever.

Things just happen in a way not intended to be known but somehow they are discovered unintentionally.

Its the matter of fact that I am doing whatever I can to make things work,

and I get really puzzled with tons of question marks.

I just do not know how to describe the kind of feeling I am having now.

Everything is falling into a spiral no matter how hard I've tried.

I really tried very hard and I really did.

It is just comprehensive feelings of asking myself, am I not doing enough which result in disappointment over and over again.

I do little things for him,

probably in his eyes,

they are just the slightest of actions.

They might be minor actions example, doing whatever which is to my best ability just to help.

Preparing milk shakes, spending few minutes of each meeting with nice back rubs, blah blah . . .

at least.

those are little gestures which I am confident that I will be able to do it for the one and only him, not just for now, or

for a spur of the moment,

but a slient promise of lifetime commitment if he allows that to happen.

-

Feels so bad for the mistake I made this afternoon, Arghh... How can I allow such mistakes. ARgHH. I am sorry for the trouble made.

只想。。

我只想我唯一的宝宝天天都是快乐的。

我不想要只有我一個人快樂。

我要你也快樂。

Thank You Wu Brown brown

Appreciation for waking up early so early in the morning after late night clubbing last evening.

Whipping up such a sumptuous meal.

You know I've always love crabs.

-

Feelings for the day : Really happy but afraid at the same time. Because you will never know when you'll get to lose it again one day.

Self prepared dinner

He whipped up a self prepared lunch with sumptuous black pepper crab,

crayfish and fresh steam prawns.

The smile on my face implicated the joy I had when I indulge myself in the lovely meals he prepared.

But there is this feeling barging behind my back,

I feel the stress in my hubhubie which I do not know why and what is the cause of it.

He dont seems to be happy in a way and I have no idea of what the underlying reason behind his stress.

I sincerely hope I am not the cause of his stress.

I just feel that he feel disturbed in a way or another and I shall not probe further although I will be more than glad if he will to share the cause of what is bothering him with me.

I dont want my hubhub to be unhappy.

-

I realised that I am always the one behind the scene,

(Like the staff for back drops, music, lighting, props and miscellaneous little stuffs before a play can be perform smoothly and applaused by the audiences)

preparing the stuffs for the BBQ chalet a day before official, rubbing his aching back to relieve his ache, giving him a warm nice hug with my skinny arms, washing and cleaning up on my own accord, helping him with what I can within my means without any expectation of return.

Those are the things I will never imagine myself doing in the past as I am pretty pampered in a way, most of my relationship do not allow me to do any of those.

Probably just a 5 mins of massage on the back of others (excluding dad, as he deserves it) will leave me complaining for hours of the day.

When situation comes to him,

he is like a piece of flesh of my body,

so precious and too painful to remove it.

All I want to see, is him being lighten off loads,

there is little effort which I can do,

but sincerely hope that it does help a little.

-

He asked me to choose a ring from his pack of gifts he brought back from Thailand and I refused to ( turned and looked at the tin carousal he gave 2 weeks ago, beside the carousal is the tiara he gave last Christmas, the pink rocking horse on his trip to Bali and my first gift from him, the violin musical box on my last birthday),

Each and every item symbolises something which I labelled on a small slip of paper attached to it.

They all mean alot to me in different phase of our relationship.

Each of them symbolises something unachievable by monetary means which is the feeling I had upon receiving each and every of his gift.

-

I do not know if he realise it,

the wooden piano I assembled,

sanding it on the rough sand paper and painting it over and over again to make the gloss.

That was a gift from him to me,

and returned with greatest misses during his Bali trip last year,

each coating of paint induces the amount of love I really had for him,

finished with a velvet love symbol on the edge,

and the assembling of the giver of love below the grand piano.

:)

VU celebration

Firstly congrats to Kel Lim for being the top for entrepreneurs award.

Its a pretty grand and well recognised Gala night as everyone is so nicely dressed up in D&G suits, Hugo Boss and blah blah designers.

*Claps claps*

Its a night for celebration,

more like a cocktail party session at VU rather than our usual clubs.

We just got our glasses refilled via the servers as and when, may we be walking around or at the smoking bar.

Servers bring glasses of wines, liquor to where we are which is pretty privileged in a way.

Till the extend that our table is like a mini bar.

Once awhile some Bimbos will come hang around our table,

and just get themselves into our own private jokes they wouldn't even know.

I am glad I am never qualify as a BIMBO, thank god I do not have a C cup.

Sebest and his new nick given by R2,

and I was pratically laughing my ass off for the whole night.

They are just so freaking cute.

I didnt know FLG is so comical until the joke of his belt comes along and the hook he claimed he used to drive his car.

and the 500GB hilarious XXX under private conversation they said they would cut a share for my preview,

from koreans to taiwanese to tang dynasty.

Bitching about those leaves Besties brought along and funny drunk signs he used to made.

They are a group of lovely people.

The first thing when they see me when I walked to the table,

they are like KAIQI SEVEN,

you went missing for 2 weeks.

I am pretty surprise that alot of them actually remembers me more than I do,

I am always the quiet one around well behave not to get involve with airheads sitting around for free drinks.

The "Boss" was asking me,

what kind of guy are you looking for to setter down with?

pick any guy from our table,

they are at least a Multi-millionaire.

I looked at him,

blanked for awhile and said,

if I will be able to do that,

I'll be married to a well-to-do doctor few years ago.

If falling in-love is that easy, he wont be single till now.

Money gives more options in life, but not love.

I had a great night with you guys,

the top designers, inventors of technology and happy bunch of lovely guys who really made me

laugh from the purest of my heart till my cheeks went numb and sebest to knock over his drinks to wet FLG.

Appreciated and thanks for making my evening a wonderful one.

Sincerely

开心吗?

看见西瓜先生和小姐

Sincerely

Truly

Thank you

For sharing your life with me once again.

To allow me to love you and stay by your side,

to hold your hands tight,

to scratch your back at night,

and

to hug you with all the love I have.

To feel close to you when we are apart,

and to know that you love me equally much.

Thank you.

-

Comments : Its great and joyful, thank you for the delicious crab feast you prepared. Lets get back to work and get work done alright. At the end of our accomplished work, then we reward ourselves with 西瓜先生 和 西瓜小姐 ok :)

CAST away

Its a great show and it gives a different feeling many years down the road to watch it again.
How Tom Hanks survive in a remote island holding onto the faith he had to see the one he love again after 5 years.
The hope for something which is close to nothing,
having it close to his heart when he is alone,
and eventually loses it when he realised Kelly got married.
In Kelly's role,
I was thinking, how can she give up?
Give up in him since she loved him so much.
Its only 5 years.
Yes,
although its just a movie.
In real life under such circumstances,
probably I will be the stubborn one who will hold it on even though all claimed that the one I love is dead.
If he is really dead, show me the corpse.
or else
I will be the one who stand firm to believe that he is alive.
I truly feel that true love can withstand the corrosion of time.
May it be 20 or 30 years,
it will always be there.

Brown Sugar

It was Tuesday,

the first screening of Short film Brown Sugar.

The pain of a lady who loses her husband in the incident of the collapses of the new world hotel during the 1980s.

The pain of her memories of the past,

the voice of her love in a telephone recording machine.

Rewinding and playing back voice of him.

I put myself in the shoes of her and wonder what will happen to myself if the person I love will to leave me forever.

The kind of eternal pain which can never be heal for the someone you love.