Awwww

Today my best friend told me something. She said this to me, no matter how hard I tried to date someone, nothing is going to come fruitful. Because I am never open up. I have never move away from ly. She is my best friend and she really know me inside out, upside down.

She spoke this to me: Even though one day, ly moved on, got married, have kids or whatever, she knows I cannot move on in that area as well. I want to open up, but things just do not happen we want them to happen.

To surprise some of my regular readers who knows me. You know, I went on a movie date with someone... To somebody, a movie with someone is nothing. Towards me, its a very big thing. Because most of you guys know I dont do that. I went on a movie date with Elx, I tried but well I just freaked myself out and freaked my friends out who got to know that I went on a movie date.

Anyway, its not working . . . . . I cant . . .

Simply, I just do not know how to fill others in when the whole of my heart is taken.

At times I look at all my lovely friends around me. They have someone whom they are working hard for, someone I know is working hard of them as well. Working hard to plan a future, a future with well family, children and different goals in life.

Each time when I tell my friends that I will be a mother one day. I will get 2 kind of responses.

1. Every woman will be a mom one day with the one you love.

2. Those people who knows me really really well. Nah, thats really impossible to happen on you.

On one end, it is the most natural and simplest thing to happen in nature.

On the other end, that is never going to happen to me.

The kind of odds I am playing against is totally or absolutely close to less than zero. I have all the odds against me, but why am I still in that strong believe. I really cant figure that out myself too. If you will to ask me when will I be giving up?

I give you my answer now.

Giving up is not in my dictionary and it is not an option or choice for me . . . .

for, the last person I will want to lie to is myself.

Because I do not want to lie to myself, I will not want to betray my own heart. Isn't it better to choose an easier alternative out by loving someone else? Why do I have to make my life difficult by choosing the odds of close to an absolute zero? If I can choose who to love and who not to, life will be so much easier for me. 

Because I do not want to go against my own heart, for I know if I do, I will confirm plus chop regret it in later part down my life.

What happened today is even more hilarious. Guess who asked me out for a date? Who asked me to be his girlfriend? Even weirder. Someone I've known for so long. We used to date each other many many years back then, but not to the extend of a relationship. Used to like him quite abit back then. He is not a bad guy, I know him inside out. Told him very frankly, dont treat me as a life jacket, I am not your emotional fill in. I am not looking for a boyfriend, I am looking for a life partner who knows what it responsibility. I do not want to carry any emotional baggage leftover by his ex girlfriend and I am not someone to fill in your emptiness. 

Dont misuse familiarity with love. Dont use sympathy as love. Dont use emotional fill in as love. Dont take loneliness as an excuse to invite someone into your life. Most importantly dont get deceive and mis-concept lust to love. Dont mistake companionship to love.I am very clear about such issue after my relationship with chou chou.

To whoever God sent to walk into my heart in the future, I am really sure, God is sending love and not all of the above I mentioned in red.

Whoever God will send to walk with me for the rest of my life, I am so certain, if you can open my heart once again, it must be through God. Even ly wouldnt stand a chance if he hasnt walk through the gate of God to me. Because you know I will avoid ly at all cost, for we cannot be together anymore if it is not from God.

If I wouldnt even give a chance to a man I still love so much if he is not from God, will I even give chances to someone whom I do not love and not from God.

Even if I am single till the age of 90 years old at my deathbed, I wouldnt regret for I do not trade my love for benefits nor any of those mentioned in red.

I didnt give up in love, for I will not give up Jesus. Jesus is love. Believing that all things eventually work for good for those who love God called according to his purpose. I believe, Jesus is the author of my love. He hold it secure in his mighty hands. Amen.