Day 366

Day 366


Many people tend to feel restless and dissatisfied. Sometimes we can’t help but to wonder that if are we in God’s will, why am I so dissatisfied?



What is the meaning of life?


One day, when I look back on it, will I be happy with my accomplishments?


Months after months, why is happiness so short-lived?


Why do I feel burned out, disillusioned and dry at times?


What is to become of me one day?


Once a wise man of the history; King Solomon talks about the testing of Faith, therefore challenging us to find true and lasting meaning through a higher being named God. As like Solomon did his, we should learn to take a hard look at our own life. Most of the time we fall into disillusion.


Sometimes I cant help but to ponder over, perhaps God is asking us to rethink about our purpose and direction in life just like the wise man king Solomon whenever problems arises.


Does this sounds familar?


Why this problems again?


Ever wonder why so divorced couples faced the same problems again and again? Because the root problems is never resolve in the first place.


Some people just wondered and cursed. Farked, why am I in such a rundown again? Why am I such farked up relationship again? Why? You are still you, it is just the person that you've screaming at or hurting changes his/her name. Same problem different spouse. So if you are thinking that, I just need a new girlfriend or boyfriend, EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE right? Wrong!

In fact every relationship gives you a rundown in the imperfect nature of your character. Your past hurts, your past regrets, your past disappointments. They surface when you opened your heart to love. Likewise for the chou, for me . . . once he found out that he somehow opened his heart and started to love. He ran away from it. Once love tries to open your heart, it not only open it to recieve, it open up its old wounds at the same time.

But, well old wound will not heal unless you take them off and learn to bless it with true love. It is like dressing up in an old dirty t-shirt, you wouldn't get any cleaner by putting on a new t-shirt over your old dirty t-shirt. You'll get sick infection with that dirty t-shirt wearing inside your new t-shirt.

The logical correct way is the take off your dirty old t-shirt, go for a shower and put on a clean one. But many people tend to wear new t-shirt overlayering their many dirty t-shirts. They eventually led themselves into skin infections.

The t-shirts are all relationships in human. Layer by layer of repression and disillusion, you will lose yourself. Regrets over regrets, hurts over hurts, resendment over resendment. No matter how strong or happy you may potray yourself in, you cannot face yourself. The worst lie is to lie to yourself, decieving yourself that you are happy.

You see ample of those faces in a club.

Life experiences are not always happy. But the world tells us to demand happiness, and do all we can to attain it. This makes us create our own personal satisfaction to achieve our chief goals in life.

But how many of us finally realised this; True and lasting happiness cannot be achieved. Happiness is an elusive goal because people and circumstances change too quickly. I totally understand this. It happened in my life real and hardcore real. People change, circumstances changes, situations changes at one snapped. I turned into some kind of "planned" Tsunami victim I dont even know why.

Walking out of that crazy situation, I kept seeking for truth, the realness of what is happiness. i finally found my happiness that is God himself. Realising and convicted that ALL things under the sun changes, but God can never, because he is faithful.

After walking and circling for so long, I finally realised what happiness is. Happiness is not short-lived. It is not just a moment of joy, it is everlasting love and comfort.


In the past what chou and I had been seeking were short-lived happiness. It seems to be so blissful and happily lovey dopey. That happiness is tagged by this price named Fear.

Chou is afraid, I'm afraid, afraid of uncertainty, fear of losing, I fear of losing him. In the past I often think that chou has got no fear, he is never afraid of losing me. He dont love me enough. He cant wait to shake me off his back, I am such a pain in his ass kind of thing.

Going through many trials and storms with chou along the years. The only time I feel him loving me was, he had decided to leave me for good, vice versa for me. The only time I felt this man loved me was we have to leave each other.




True love sets the spirit free

I finally found happiness. Not shortlived anymore. I finally found love in him, saw what exact love is from him and not pretendicious one. I held onto God's hand and walked away happily. I thank God for this everlasting happiness he leds me into. My love story has not end. It is just the beginning because, the moment I held onto the hand of God, I know I am on my way to prepare an earth shaking testimony to be shared in season to come. Till today, I have never stopped believing in my faithful God who spoke to me,

Thou art shall enter the door you left for him through love, God gave me a promise that I can trust, He shall enter the way you exit, and you exit because of love.

I was further reaffirmed by that rehma 2 weeks ago that served as a reminder to me during our suntec opening service.

The bible dictionary and study guide interpretation.

The meaning of Jesus means love.

The above sentence in double bolded and flashes back into my mind and I started tearing during our worship.

I was serving the congreation, walking around, I wasn't even thinking about anything but to keep people in order.

Thou art shall enter the door you left for him through Jesus, God gave me a promise that I can trust, He shall enter the way you exit, and you exit because of Jesus.

What an awesome God I serve who speaks to me. I was talking and guiding people around with uncontrollable tears flowing down my cheeks.. I was just super duper touched. I even forgotten about God told me that even until that day I was reminded once again.

I thank God for city harvest church, it was dark enough and none of the delegates realised I was having tears rolling down my cheeks all along.

Those are my precious tears of happiness, happiness that will last forever of a God who will never forget his promise to me even thou I forgotten them.

and guess what,

the context of the sermon on our opening is

Love

Pastor Kong is really a good friend of God,

because each time God says something to me in person,

somehow Pastor Kong will preach about it.

I was laughing when Pastor Bold-ed

The definition of Love = Jesus

God never fail to amaze me all the time!

PS: I realised my problem in writing. Not only in grammar, my punctuation is crapo too! Try to read my words slowly, you'll understand what I really mean; it is kind of aftermath effect.

and I think I am going to Colombo next month. Do WHAT? Be one of the refugee, I am skinny enough. * i think so * I am going for humantarian relief. And then I will go to Japan and then Penang. Away away away from April to June. I will keep myself way from Singapore during July and August as well. For July during my b'day. Refraining myself from calling up chou or something, August during his b'day.

First I can see myself running away from him until God calls me, its ok. You can see him again. I am done with my transformation. Tada! See the new man!

I know myself, if happens that one day I bump onto him on the street/somewhere/somehow/wherehow . . .  I will turn and runaway, take a cab and go straight home. Sometimes I see someone who looks like chou on the streets my heart skips a beat and was ready for all avoidance at all cost. So If God hasn't give me the permission to see him again. I don't think chou will ever see me again. I dont want to be a disobedient child to God anymore. I love you chou, but I love God more.

If one day, you realised that this blog has been abandon for more than a month and my numbers says : Number not in use. It means Thank God, I am back with Jesus Christ.