As days

We connect

I bleed

But I am unwilling to let it go.

Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself

Cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did,

You fell so hardI've learned the hard way

To never let it get that far

----------------

Because of youI never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you,

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

-----------------

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because you know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake

A smile, a laugh everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

---------------

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of youI find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you I am afraid

-------------

I watched you die

I heard you cry every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have known better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

And now I cry in the middle of the night

For the same damn thing

Because of youI never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of youI learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Dumb Ass

I labeled myself as a dumb ass when I scrolled through the past entries I had.

I find myself real pathetic and I cant help but to grin a sarcastic smile at myself.

A part of me despise myself for being such a dumb ass.

I looked through the posts i pen when he was away,

it all crashes and stung right in like acid as it corrodes away the loving and caring self of me.

I remembered posting the entry after a wonderful movie weekend with him,

to reconcile how I love him more each day.

How Socratic irony.

He had depleted and fail me.

I've emptied my love bucket to build it on for the final struggle I am going to kick on.

Whatever the outcome will turn out to be,

at least there is no room for regret as long as what myself is concern.

I've give what I can to protect and grow what we've built so far.

The choice is up to him whether if he chooses to built it on with me or to eliminate it.

The shattered

They cant be perfect anymore,

any perfections are merely acts and dishonesty.

From the past till now,

everything just reassure myself that there is no fruitful relationship.

I've tried,

hard enough with my best I can,

with the worst I can,

at the end of the day it all rounded up in disappointment.

I'll just walk on,

walking on broken glasses has become nothing unusual to myself anymore.

I may break a bitter smile as I walked on.

In fact I really do not know what am I holding on to?

I am not afraid to leave,

I am just unwilling to give up what I've built

and

I am unwilling to give up the comfort and love we shared although it is minor on your ends.

I do not want to give up on us even though I know it is not perfect anymore.

- - - - - - - -

=========

2 choices were given :

1) Stay on with my hubhubie to take a chance to see if there is any outcome surprises for us.

2) Leave the relationship and quit on men to prevent any hurting incident anymore.

I made option 1 as my choice to put it on the last bet before I affirm my conclusion to label all men as jerks.

Meaning, a male friend is either my buddy, guy pal or my client

Or else

Fuck off my life, sad to say life is that extreme.

The negative escape

I was busted once again.

It is another heart ranching incident I didn't expect to crash that soon.

It's difficult to express what kind of feelings I am facing right now,

I just weep no more.

The hurt is beyond what pain can define.

* A smile of disappointment*

The despair and disappointment feeling in relationships i guess.

It once again gave concrete evidences of how incorrigible men can be,

" How trustworthy " men are.

I do not want to even glimpse, peek or think at what might happen in the near future.

Indeed, the incident which cuts and bruised me badly just happened in merely less than 2 months ago.

What he claimed in less than 2 months ago is as useless as crumpled old newspapers on the streets.

Simply worthless.

Doubtlessly, he makes me lose faith in every single word he said.

I finally come to a conclusion that he do not mean what he said,

whatever he had said,

they are as light as goose feathers to him.

That simply shows how " committed " he is towards us.

How weightless I am to him.

* A crude smile of how pathetic this relationship is *

While I am doing what I can to manage the joy we have for the past months and to retain the laughter which belongs to just the 2 of us,

why are you the leak hole of a barely quarter filled water bucket?

Where's the responsibility and logic you claimed to have?

* Sigh,*

maybe

I am just that worthless in the heart of yours to induce yourself to create such jeopardising situation in our relationship.

Cramps was the culprit

Late night cramps are driving me crazy,

my peaceful sleep was distorted by those on and off cramps.

I couldnt even get myself out of the house to meet up with the crazy bunch at Jab,

needless to say to catch Summer up at St James.

Friday night was ruined.

Well but on the hind side of it,

i managed to organise out my revision notes for exams end of the month.

I was flipping and tossing in my bed trying hard to get some sleep.

I was missing someone badly where i was comtemplating whether to drop him a call or msg.

In the end, i dropped him a msg to send my misses over.

I should have anticipated that the reply is always superficial,

and it was.

Nothing much to expect from it as usual.

At a point of time,

the first thing that came into my mind followed by a sarcastic smile on my face.

What makes the differences of replying me and his fans.

I would rather him to not make a reply to that.

Its a sudden surge of emotion, probably owing to the unbalanced hormones in my body and I simply loathe this feeling.

Her weak knees

I really have got no idea what's happening to my knees,

they are just going weak.

Was it the tea we had last evening?

I really have got no idea why is it so.

My knees just get so tired and it seems to be fall apart anytime.

I just hope that this uncomfortable tired knees feeling go away soon.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Intoxicated

Intoxicated Wednesday with the Bitches

The ultimate chanel - Ling Nat

. . and her fetish photo taking session . .

Natalie just get so enthusiastic everytime I dont know why

lolx

My ultimate bitch Wendy the Huahua

And Thanks Sebestian for bringing my wine over :-)

Lovely tea night

Thanks my Stacy,

Its indeed a nice place to chill with healthy chinese tea.

Sengkang G

Sengkang gym on Sunday evening,

me and lovely hubhubiee,

:p enjoying every single moment with lovely hubhubiee.

Tired hubhub was sleeping on my lap during dinner.
He is just too freaking tired after his day.

The weekend fun

I had been neglecting my little private space for almost a week.

Ever since my lovely hubhub make his return from his thailand trip,

we've been spending quality time together as one and it is definately an enjoyable one.

Although during certain nights I was extremely tired but a warm lovely hug from my beloved clear all the fatigue in me.

Hubiee will give me pet names and laugh at my silly actions,

he will milks out the tiredness in me everytime with the cheeky smile which says : Yes, how can I help you.

It makes me happy just to be able to hug my hubhubiee

And when hubhubie holds me in his arms, I know I’m protected.

I view my hubhub as the sunshine and the resting cushion of my life.

I rediscovered that my love for you is increasing each and every day.

I am really glad that I found you, my hubhubiee.

Its coming a year and I've never a day gotten tired of this relationship.

Saturday movie night and arcade whopping were immerse fun.

Thank you so much my loving hubhubiee for sharing so much fun with me.

You simply colour my life

:-)

The unexpected.

I've come to believe what was told by hubbiee months ago.

Expectations always come crashing down with disappointment.

I've seen what my buddy faced and I dont think i can do anything but to driff him away from his grieve.

Well, thats just part and parcel of life you've got to face my buddy.

Although there's no wrong you've did,

you've did what you can,

and give whatever which is within your ability.

but life just sucks in a way to make you grow wiser.

I just told him something,

women are the best performer when it comes to relationship.

They can be utterly brutal if they want them to be.

But more than times, they are just being overlooked.

The best contact point is just to move on with life.

Take care my dear buddy.

My long time dear friend for the 17 years.

What's that question?

The question my hubhubie pops out with last night.
* Lols *
I certainly live-up to what I am really worth of.
It is not untrue that appearance represent a certain percentage of how others look upon you
but
the most important "scent" is,
what are you made of ?
What are you capable of.
The real Aura is beyond what appearance is made up of.

I have seen many individual parties,

common in looks yet they turn out to be immensely impressive and attractive.

I believe in the perceived value rather than the bimbo-tic appearance.

But too bad, the majority men are shallow.

Women of these days feels that they wont get less capable than what men can do.

You do not need a physical men to become a mother,

medical technology does wonders.

- - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Memo note : No one is prefect until you fall inlove with them :)

I fell inlove with you,

beyond what your appearance portrays,

I love your drive for your passion despite of the hiccups, the kind of familiarity you gave, and most importantly the kind of objectives we shared in life.

:-)

No one is perfect,

its just the matter of how you view and perceive it to be.

You do not need to be perfect to be perfect in my eyes.

Good night, Sleep well, Thank you

The vintage cartoon hubhub and I watched last late evening.
It's a lovely and heart filling night.

After days and days of missings, I finally get myself into the arms of my love hubhubie again.

To rest my night next to him,

on the "sleepy bugged" cozy bed of his,

leaning onto the familiar shoulders of his,

stroking my nose against his

and

caressing his back with a simple night massage.

He is so deeply missed by wifey wifey.

The hug of yours simply melts my fatigues away for the past week when you were away.

I just had endless work or work related dates to fulfill.

Working, endless of responsibility and worst of all,

naggings and more naggings by the old man.

I am so glad that hubhubie is back with his warm hug and cozy shoulders, privileged only to myself.

You are just so loved by me.

Who do I resemble?

Playing with the human mind

I went through this course of Nero Linguistic Programme ( The human psychological program )this afternoon to sharpen the senses of mine once again.

( I've lose touch of NLP long enough although I graduated from it during poly days)
We were taught how to make use of our sight to determine whether the other party is serious or lying.

Everything starts to flow back.
The body languages to observe.
Sitting posture,
deepness of tone,
personality category,
movements of hands,
un-noticed gestures

and many more not to be disclosed . . . .
Its pretty accurate when we did a blind test on it.
The determination of : Mian Xiang is so accurate.
I went on to test-on for my dinner appointment with Sammuel,
freaking hell,
right of the dot, my god.
I didnt know I can be an act "guru" in human psychology.

On the spot,

Prof Seet,

You're damn good at it.

I've made my presentation natural,

hit on the bull-eye,

and I got my question.

" How much "

One successful outcome.

I realised,

the only people who can escape the ARTbody language are the expert psychologies, CIA trained NLP secret agents or some blah blah. . .

Therefore the next time when you try to fool the lady who is typing this entry,

think twice as she may not disclose your lie,

but plot something which makes you fall right into it with her observation skills AND NLP Qualities . . . .

* Wha hahahahaaa with an evil laughter*

Dont underestimate the thinking depth of a lady.

She can choose to be a Lion in disguise,

Roar when she needed to,

and

chooses to be a harmless little lamb when you embrace her in your arms.

I am falling in love with Nero Linguistic as they are just so powerful.

I love to be love

Colour my life with the heart of yours :)

Delayed

I finally receive a sms from my hubhubiee after 3 days of waiting and missings.

He missed his flight back today,

he must have overslept.

Arghh . . I miss him so bloody much.

I wonder if he is having too much fun and has put me at the far end of his mind.

He used to keep touch with me when he away for his trips

But

I suppose he is just too busy having endless fun and shopping this time round.

:-(

The Sequins hoodie

The Calvin klein Hoodie,

White Sequins

Lovely

In stores

$489/-

Misses

To see you when I wake up is a gift I didnt think could be real.

To know that you feel the same as I do is a three-fold.

You do something to me that I cant explain.

So would I be out of the line if I said " I miss you" ?

I browse your photos,

missing the smell on your skin.

You have only been away for 2 days.

But I am already wasting away.

I know I will see you again soon.

But I need you to know that I CARE and I MISS YOU more than you know.
You are someone who made my life a complete one.

Miss miss hubhub.

The girly

This was taken from the recent blog of Casey.

I met her thru Terry - Andrew.

The first sight of her was so many years ago.

Kaixin is a sweet and caring girl.

The last image of her was at the Birthday Chalet many years ago.

The past used to be the upper hand of Andrew,

The role is switch for a reason,

Never to underestimate the power of a lady.

Jiayou ba Kaixin :)

Random

Mon, Tue, Wed, Thurs, Fri

I'm gotta miss you

Month after month,

I am still heels after you,

crazily in love with you,

my whinny lovely hubhubie. . .

Be back soon,

So we can chase little fishes in your fishtank once again with your cute little submarine.

Love you always :)

Wednesday nights out

Blacklisted

Blacklisted:

The band of blacklisted names,

STH. T: an ultimate hypocrite who will take advantage of the situation

= BLACKLIST=

SAL.CIn Teo: The one whom I can never made him mine

= BLACKLIST=

EUG. DI: The dancer who tries to be funny

= BLACKLIST=

I.T: The bastard who shouldnt be pitied

= BLACKLIST=

ED.LIM: The irritating idiot who buzz me non-stop

=BLACKLIST=

-

-

-

-

People around me

I realised the centre of influence i got myself into.

People and more people.

The ample group of friends i hang out with.

The comfortable range of people I am with, which I am happy about it.

I am in-love with Wendy as both of us shared the same frequency,

nights with her contribute endless laughters.

I am in-love with Joze and girlies as we can bitch till the end of century.

I am in-love with peter and company, they will crack the best jokes of the universe to make me laugh till my jaws drop and motivate me when work is concern.

I am in-love with our uni gang as we went through tough project hours together.

I am in-love with muel muel and company, they never fail to made me their Queen of the night.

I am in-love with Fulala and gang, endless fun just starts with them.

I am in-love with the Brotherhood drinking Kakis, bitching stories of their scandals just never end.

I am in-love with my msn-ie regular group, they always keep me company when i am lazy to step out of the house.

I am in-love with my family and xiaobao baby, they are always there for me.

I am in-love with my dearest hubhub, as he is the one i will want to walk my life till old and grey with.

Lastly I am in-love with myself, without "I" all these wouldnt be made possible.

I am not Perfect :)

:)

I realised no one is perfect until you fall in love with them

You are perfect in my eyes

It's love in my eyes to watch you sleep whenever I can

Thank you for loving me too

:)

All about men

MEN
Men are like Laxatives They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like. Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like Weather Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like Commercials You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like Lava Lamps Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Life is busy

Life is busy,

work is hectic.

Take a deep breathe.

Pace of work has been speeding and I have been losing out spending quality time with my lovely hubhubie.

I miss him so, yet I am too tired to do anything about it.

I am procrastinating the state of missings.

More than often,

I will turn into the facebook of my hubhubie to take a short glance at his pictures to ease the missings before i get to bed.

Although the yearning were terrible,

well i just have to swallow them down and hope that i will get to see him soon.

Random

The dream guy

I had a dream last night,

and it revolves around my dream guy and family.

My dream went dashed into reality when my cellphone rang.

It was HOLLY. . .

ARgh . .

I didnt even have a chance to bid farewell to my 2 yr old daughter Karin and my dream husband Dylan.

My "husband" is a chinese guy,

speaks chinese and looks like Utt . .

He is sweet and caring,

someone without worries.

I just need to be a perfect housewife to take care of our newly built semi-detach along King's Albert with our sweet and nice neighbour Dooretty.

Every morning when i water the plants at our little garden,

Karin will pop out and greet me good morning in french, the new language which she learn from her pre-school.

And i know its time to prepare cereal and sunny side up for my dear Dylan and Karin.

The dream goes . . .

I met Dylan in my school hall when i was in University.

He is a talented guy who plays the violin which makes a point why I was attracted to him.

I made my move as usual and start leaving stuffs in his locker and eventually my msn and contact numbers.

The start up was innocent and pure.

The dating part were sweet as both of us enjoy musical concerts, art galleries and of course sunny beaches.

We spent many wonderful moments together till the day we graduated.

Until one day he showed me a drawing of our future.

A draw-up of our future home and he proposed with nothing much but a ring of the coca cola can and i accepted it.

We start building our home from it, sharing the vision of our future home as our goal.

Eventually what we hope for came true and i was blessed with my girl named Karin.

Everything was perfect BUT i know its just a dream too good to be true.

A dream is a dream.

Dylan doesnt exist.

Karin is friction.

Probably its just the sub conscious mind of mine,

craving for that kind of senenity and peace.

The kind of life i always want.

My Dylan and my cute little Karin.

Its time to get some sleep and hopefully I will get to see my cute little Karin soon.

The Seventiesss

My Good looking dad during the 70s

He is only 19 then when he built the prototype

Changi Airport control tower.

Mum and dad . .

Mum look so gloomy,

probably seasick.

Does my dad resemble bruce lee?

You just got to imagine.

Facebk : Which type of women are you?

Lovely lady

You are lovely and caring. You help others and spread out a lot of sympathy. Your life aim maybe is to serve the people. But your weakness is that you forget about yourself, your own needs. All your time is hold back for your friends and family. You are always there for people in trouble. Ready for any emergency. You make a lot of sacrifices just to be a good human. But every woman has her needs, her longings and a destiny. Don't loose yourself in work or curing other people's souls. You will have your own problems in your life. Another problem is that you don't say your opinion when it's right and important to say it. People trample onto your soul if you are always so kind and lovely and helpful. They will play on you. Though you should try to relax more and enjoy your life, you should not loose the gift that was given to you to help others . Not everyone is created this way... You are uniqe and rare!

Right on spot. . . hahaa which makes me a financial planner.

Hey Lulu

I have a little lulu of my own,
in which my little lulu,
is such an adorable one,
entertaining,
interesting,
loving,
sometimes naughty,
skin colour a little darker than normal,
needs to be tug into bed at times.
He will whine when he is drunk,
he will whine when he is sleepy to put you by his side and watch him sleep.
He is my little lulu in blue.

With Skinny legs,

I will adore my little lulu like how i adore myself.
Love him with all i can.

:p Thanks for the company last night.

The shopping and movies in the evening.

Love you.

后来

后来我总算学会了如何去爱

可惜你早已远去消失在人海

后来终于在眼泪中明白有些人

一旦错过就不再

桅子花白花瓣落在我蓝色百褶裙上「爱你」你轻声说我低下头闻见一阵芬芳那个永恒的夜晚

十七岁仲夏你吻我的那个夜晚

让我往后的时光每当有感叹总想起当天的星光

那时候的爱情为什么就能那样简单

而又是为什么人年少时

一定要让深爱的人受伤

在这相似的深夜里你是否一样也在静静追悔感伤

如果当时我们能不那么倔强现在也不那么遗憾

你都如何回忆我带着笑或是很沉默

这些年来有没有人能让你不寂寞

永远不会再重来

有一个男孩爱着那个女孩

Taste

It tastes sweet when he bought nice durian puff for you and make sure that you eat it.

It tastes sweet when he ask you to sit in front of him and

watch our favourite discovery channel,

although it is uncomfortable,

I am glad to lean onto him as we enjoy the discovery channel on screen.

It tastes sweet when he grabs you and kiss you out of nowhere so passionately and stop all of a sudden and said. Ok thats all :)

It tastes sweet when you lie in arms,

feeling loved.

and him telling you that he will try to love you more each day.

哈哈

我是三毛，

那，

你就是伍毛了啦，

你这个伍毛毛

Intruders

Intruders within the perimeter of privacy zone.

We perimeter out the distance within friends, close friends or lovers.

I was pretty taken back when he came close to me this afternoon.

His knee touches my tights,

i was sitting down on a high chair.

dots . . . dots,

I cant move backwards as i was leaning against the table.

Out of what i can react i guess.

My eyes start to roll,

looking around if there are any unusual look.

I feel uneasy and somehow my heart skipped a beat.

I just dont like it.

Never eat the place you shit.

The concerns

The concerns which hinder when your cellphone buzz us awake in the late morning.

The numbers of my mum cellphone.

The things that you are concern as I anticipated.

I know there are things that you wouldn't like, feel burden or obligated about.

Although you told me that its like family and you like it.

( ' ,' )~~

I understand what are things like and I am not expecting anything.

What will be, will be.

Well,

I wasn't questioned.

The answer was.

She thought the numbers belongs to Wendy.

Criteria

Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction.

It is by looking in depth, of the worth in the other half.

What qualites he or her is made of.

Many admire flowers,

but few sees their true beauty.

I come to realise,

as people gets older,

the tendency of them looking into qualities weighs heavier rather than the appearance of one self.

May it be friends or who so ever.

You tend to see things which are beyond what the naked eyes can tell.

I can't say that appearance wise is totally eliminated out of the picture.

You do not need to be a hunk or a babe to look good or attract.

That is just the initial approach.

To walk on,

many considerations are taken into factor.

Babe. Bitch. - out -

Hunk. Bastard. -out-

Babe. uncouth. -out-

.

..

....

Yes,something i will never accept,

my other half shouldn't be uncouth.

Vulgarities is a no no.

I absolutely dislike individuals to come out with comments like " I am attracted to you "

Thanks and no thanks.

I believe that different type of character attracts different group of people.

The values in me portrays a good wife and daughter in-law to the eyes of many,

probably that is the reason why individuals of the opposite sex with the rightful age for a family will come out with absurd proposal for me.

** blank **

Seconds to minutes

I appreciate you.

The attention.

The hugs and kisses you gave.

I know you do not want to give any promises :)

I understand.

I will just be there,

around the corner.

You know, I will be there always.

:)

Wifey wife, to give you serenity,

for you to know you are safe,

a peaceful and warm fill little corner for you to rely on.

Love hubhub

Tag board

The heels and heals

Tired.

Sore Throat.

Cough.

Sprained Ankle.

Oh,

I am finally sick.

The funny thing was,

I feel good,

not physically but emotionally.

I like it when Hubhub thank me this afternoon and i feel appreciated.

Although i am unwell,

my heart is filled.

The emotional armour

I fall into the point of contradiction of armouring myself up in term of relationship.

How defensive should I get.

The words from hubhub made me realised how wrong i was in the past.

How I used to fend myself up, in order not get even a slight less bruise.

That was 3 years ago,

the defence level was at its optimal,

i literally abandon everything except myself.

I murdered my 6 years relationship.

I just pushed everything away being I just love myself too much and I wouldn't even care about the thoughts of others.

I just push the blame on him simply because of a lie where i am the cause of it.

He pleaded and beg but i simply pushed everything aside.

At that point of time i believe what is imperfection .

I threw our thick and thin through the 6 years away in a snap.

I just moved on as quickly as i could and got myself attached within a week.

That shaped the greatest lesson in my life.

Owning to self ego,

I forgot how he used to take care of me when the whole family was away from Singapore for 2 weeks.

I forgot how he rushed me to the hospital when i was suffering from bronchitics.

I forgot how he used to cook for me, each meal, each day when i was heavily ill.

I forgot how he prepared the medicine 4am in the morning beside my bed.

I forgot how he used to take leave from work just to take care of me.

I forgot how he used to console me when great-granny passed away.

I forgot how he used to take care of my baby sister when she was rebellious.

I forgot how he argued with his family just to stay by my side each and every night.

I just forgot.

I looked back and realised how silly i was in the past.

To treat someone who loves me so much, comparable to how much he loves his family with that kind of egoist thought and selfishness.

I am the one who force him out of the relationship.

I was blinded with the obsession i had in myself.

I remembered telling this to him.

I just love myself more than anyone else.

I forbade him to hit a club with me,

but he make it his duty to pick me up at night and massage me to bed.

I scolded him when he left me alone at home when he meet his friends for soccer session.

But

I left him alone when he sprained his ankle,

I left him to himself when he was sick,

I walked away when he needed me.

Its out of a sudden all these just flow through my mind.

I see the shadow of a egoist and self-centred self of the past.

All of a sudden,

Its guilt and regrets.

Its recent.

I realised my mistake through the talk i had with my hubhubiee.

Its a switch of position to make me feel.

3 years down the road,

to speak it up,

Thank you for everything and

Sorry for whatever i've did.

I find myself pathetic to not feel for a 6 years relationship but to throw everything in for something with an uncertain outcome.

Probably thats the reason why i am able to forgive and to love more.

I realised,

its not that difficult to recover from pain.

Its the regrets that follows.

Kaoz Junior

8.30 am in the morning .

I was wondering what happened to my biological clock,

Its pretty rare to wake up an hour before my alarm goes off.

Moreover its raining . . . .

My sub-conscious mind says,

Eh . . . " i don't want to be caterpillar "

I headed out early and met David up in office,

I need to move along with colleagues with the faster pace to upkeep with work.

Simply seeing them closing cases gives me the sense of urgency.

During the evening.

I am still excited to hear the call from my lovely but i was driving at the point of time,

i was urged to put the phone down with Holly complaining that i am risking her life being a driver.

The Leo

She likes being what she is.

Love herself very much.

She will dress in her own style not according to fashion.

She is confident of what she choose to wear.

She like unique and strange cloths.

Being different is what she likes.

She is selective about people she mingles with.

She's open minded, but yet not letting people to get close to her easily.

She smiles to everyone and likes to be in control because of her nature instinct.

She is an egoistic person so do not do anything to challenge her confident.

She remembers everything, words said and actions did.

She likes to cherish her sweet memory,

so if u find her old photo albums with her ex-bf or love letters which make you puke,

take it easy as she is keeping her sweet memory does not means she is still in love with the old fool.

She hates being poor and thinks love will not pay bills.

She is a sports type and love sports.

She is a generous person, so do not be surprise if she give you a gift more expensive than what you gave her.

She likes extravaganza, no cheap gift.

Being poor and broke makes her depress.

If you are getting her something, you may think economical but not cheap.

She appreciate sincerity.

How true . . . Leos . .

The talk

In fact,

I just need to talk and iron things out.

It is a fact of the emotional self to seek for the reason behind every move or questions asked.

I've come to see things through and realised the resemblance in the both of us.

I am glad that he told me things that i wasn't even aware of.

I come to visualise the fact that he has a role to play.

He is just playing the role of a self-centred boyfriend.

Well, its whether to accept of deny it.

Its the fact.

The withdrawal of my emotions were quick,

I literally cry no more and hurt was being sectioned out; at least at this point of my entry.

Lying there being lifeless or crying every night to bed does no good at all.

I realised i need to turn the self and I the other way round.

- - - - - - -

Things went on as usual,

sectioning the unpleasant moments we had.

We still share the laughter and hugs we used to give each other.

We ' pink ' and ' dote ' each other just like how we used to be.

We whine in each other's arms as usual.

I somehow agree to what he said.

Some couples may seems as lovely as many might seems to be.

But at the end of the day,

they are part of the process rather than the destination.

I do not want to expect;

May it be a process or destination for the both of us,

Its none of the concern anymore.

Because.

Memories of us will be an enjoyable moment to reminisce some day.

Walking

Teach me how to move and walk on.

Whenever i took a step ahead you pushed me two steps backwards.

I am so tired.

I am drained.

Towards the disappointment.

I feel worthless for the amount a care and love i put in.

At a point of time,

i really can not differentiate what is the truth or what is not.

I start to recall what was told in the past.

They just burns up my heart.

To the extend the pain which pierces and reminded me,

what was told which makes me jump up with joy in the past maybe just acts.

It is just too hefty for me to digest.

In the dreams i had nights to night,

i was just left there by myself bleeding and dying.

I thought i can embrace myself up as time goes by.

But i am just lying to myself.

I was brought down to cartier boutique days ago.
J chooses a ring for me and handed a return ticket to Zurich.
I walked out of the boutique the escape the unplanned situation.
He followed me out.
I finally stopped.
I apologised for being rude.
Its something out of my expectation.

I told him, my heart is too small to fit someone else in there.

My heart is fully occupied.

Even if it is emptied someday,

the opening of the heart is sealed.

I wouldnt even want to love anymore.

Its just so painful.

My apologises,

I just cannot accept anyone anymore.

Maybe you will be able to walk on in life just as nothing had ever happened.

But for myself you just left an irreversible change in my life.

The call

I understand why he reappeared in our drinking group again,

as usual,

his relationship expired.

No wonder he is so super onz nowadays which i warned him not to call me 4am in the morning asking where am I. . . .

The last time i saw Our "Beer Sian chua" was Zouk probably 1 yr ago.

He is good looking and has got no problems with hooking any girls up, literally "any".

Rich, good looking, has got the height and gentlemen...

but too bad,

he was being confined a year ago after sian-ning some girls and got dragged home by his gf.

A year later his gf expired "again".

The term we use,

is what he use to do,

putting an expiry date to every of his relationship.

Good luck to the next girl man.

Dah . . .

Thank you.

Yeah yeah yeah,

finally friday is here,

I've survive the week feeling better.

I realised how fortunate i am.

So many people who love me,

so touch . .

Thanks MM for the joke of a day everyday since last friday to cheer me up,

Its telepathy i supposed as i mentioned nothing.

Saloc who pm me whenever he sees me online,

brother brother messaged me,

check if i m doing fine.

and my dearest girlies.

Somehow,

many of them are not even readers of my bloggy.

After all god is still kind towards me to let me know,

to realise, i am well-loved by many.

May god bless all the lovelies whom i love and who loves me :)

Maybe

Maybe

one day,

he will realise he has the courage to love me with all he can,

one day,

he can put me infont of himself.

one day,

he will feel that he can love me with no reserve.

Time will tell :)

Kismet

Its kismet that we met.
We discover each other and fell in love with nothing in expect.

We just want to be happy.
Thou it was not long since we started dating,
we are happy,
appreciating, peaceful and comfortable.
I breathe the feelings of peacefulness after the night of rest back in his arms.
I will not love him lesser,
as i believe hipcups will make us stronger.
I just want us to be happy,

I do not want to give up.
We cant promise the future but at least for the present moment i know
we can still do what we can to make ourself feel
our home, peace and comfort.

Although the pathway is unclear,

but i really do believe that it is not a waste of time.

Maybe, eventually things may not turn out the way it might be,

at least i will not regret,

as i have given all i can.

I really dont (II)

I dont need your promises,

At the end of the day,

I just want to know my place in your heart.

I really dont

I do not want doubt or feel paranoid about what had happened.

I dont want to fall into the mental stress of that.

Something come into my mind and should i feel if i am being treated in the normal way i should be.

I come to realise i am always being hidden in a corner where he will bring me out only to people whom he feels no threat to.

I was waiting for him one late evening in town after movies with my uni mates.

He is around the vicinity with his friends for KTV session.

The movie ended and the big group got scattered.

Some went for supper and some headed home.

They asked me if i am heading home and i replied i am waiting for my boyfriend as he is having a singing session at Kbox,

Kay Heng pops by with the question of why am I not joining him and his friends.

I do not know how to answer his question.

I just replied casually Kbox cant smoke and i was smoking at the point of time.

Back in my head,

i know i wasnt even invited to join in the first place.

Most of them left, it was late,

Jason and Pinky urged me to join him and his friends as they do not want to see me waiting alone at that hour which was 2am in the morning,

and I really cant answer their question of why am i not joining him.

Back

I walked away from the traffic junction.

i told myself not to turn back,

i know if for a fact that what i will see is just the back of him.

Some how i still do hope that he will turn and take a look at me,

After all,

i still turned back to look.

I can only make a gentle smile of sigh when i expect.

Nightfall

Nightfall is the worst to me right now,

I just do not want to cry my pillow dry everynight.

Glad to see Ben and Mike when i head back to ceasars last night.

Ages since i last met up with mike,

and we were making fun of each other,

talking about the legendnary characters of our usual drinking group.

They exclaimed that why do i close down my blog?

* laughing * i just told them changed my url link,

all of a sudden i realised the amount of readers i have.

The people whom i call friends and the concern about how am i doing in life.

They just talk cock with me till Jess knock off work.

I head down boat quay with girl and her husband.

They know i am unhappy, i am sad,

they didnt ask me why,

they know for a fact i wouldnt reveal.

Thanks my dearies.

For the hugs and company till daybreak.

Moron

I was awaken by the phone call of some morons,

utterly someone whom i labelled "parasite".

I do not know why is he still living on earth gapping air of human beings.

Dont he even has a pinch of dignity?

The moronic Chen called to ask for a the cell number of my friend melly.

Sorry i am just too nice.

Didnt did i "f..k" him off or hung his line,

i processed his request and answer his question.

On my ends he just hung his line after he has gotten the numbers, although he claimed he did thank me which i doubt that i even get it.

Such loser,

i get irritated to even see his received call from my call log.

To see his numbers in my message list.

His name is long deleted from my phone directory,

or maybe i should put it back in my phone list with the initial name of L.O.S.E.R

He can hate me, and i dont even care a damn shit about it.

After all he is just a petty poor guy who ought to be pitied,

soooo . . .. pitiful to put on the strong act when its just an empty shell.

When you shake a coconut,

u'll realised it merely water in it.

The fact

It is fact that we've spend many happy and joyful moments together,

thou i am going through immerse pain,

i will still want our relationship to work out,

What ever that happened may tear us apart or make us stronger,

i am not in the condition to give anymore.

But i really hate to throw all our wonderful moments away.

It is the questions to be answered via actions,

how much are you willing to give and how true will you be to make me happy again?

Simply,

i just need to know how much do i worth?

or am i just someone who can be easily substitute?

The cellphone

I had been keeping messages of what he sent in my cellphone.

I notice a pattern in it,

as time goes by,

the messages just gets shorter and shorter.

I remembered seeing the message he send on August the 4th,

that he was ensuring me that he wouldnt be silly enough to do anything to hurt me.

I gladly believe in it.

Right now i really cannot differentiate anymore.

I am trying as much as i can to make this relationship work out.

I am not there to proof to anyone else.

I just want to be happy, loved and doted.

=========================

Thanks for all these while, if you think that you've love me enough, maybe you didnt. I might not be your destination, but towards me you are. It can be a destination of a long term resting peace or somewhere i can stop and tell myself i had enough and i have got no more love to spare. Your arms used to be the warmest resting anchor of mine, and your bed gives the longest and sweetest nap i can ever get. Now it gives pain when i realised its being shared even if it is in a split mintues. The pain wretch as if myheart would stop beating any moment. This is the second time encountering such pain. The first time of such encounter was when my younger sister suicided, i thought i've lose her because she is someone i love with the bottom of my heart. Have you realised how painful i was. now? and how much of a impact you are to me? You asked me; am i happier? and my answer was i wish i could. All of a sudden i just feel so belittled, belittled in the heart of yours. If one day i decided to walk away? Will you still hug tight in your arms to tell how dear am i to you or just look as i walk away? Maybe i just weigh a little heavier than a penny.

The painful smile

I fell many times harder than it was in the past.

I had to admit i am a real handicap in love,

no matter how much i gave,

the outcome always run me in tears.

It really makes me doubt, doubting of my incapability.

I surrender,

i really do this time round.

After all, I realised thats how much you love me.

The torment pain is killing and i really have got no cure for it.

It was the day when i strike the conversation with your mum,

and she was convincing me that the man who loves you will love everything about you.

I sigh in slience

I was in the bathroom,

and my eyes were filled with tears.

I doubt he loves me that much, maybe its just my assumption that makes me feel that he loves me alot.

I controlled it hard to stop it from rolling down my cheeks,

put on a smiling face and kept very quiet.
Its the most painful smile i had.

I really do not know how anymore.

I am faithless,

totally faithless,

probably towards him,

i am just someone who happens to be there most of the time,

giving and giving which gives make no harm to him at all.

Maybe he did whatever he can to "fulfill his role".

It can be example as the cast of a scene.

It is beautiful but at the back of it.

it just stood there with the support of some removable wooden planks.

Once the last scene is done up, the beautiful castle will be gone.

The castle will never be the reality.

After all,

setting up of the scene is just a temporary process.

Sigh,

seriously i really do not know when will this miserable heartache of mine end.

But i am definitely true about what I've said in the past.

He will really be the last man who intersect my life.

As i know it for a fact if this relationship is going to fail one day,

i really do not have to courage to accept love anymore.

The light from the end of the tunnel was an oncoming train (ll)

She stops and her leg was badly cut and she just lied there motionless.

her heart pumps, oozing flesh blood,
it is bleeding furiously,
her heart contracts and pulls,

Wretched tears streamed down her face like tiny waterfall each drop a despairing testament of disappointment, diminishing faith and love.

She is just too disappointed.

and

She was too afraid to move.

Images of the joyful past flash off her mind.

She cant stop weeping, she cant.

She thought he could be the angel who carries her across the path of broken glasses when she was crawling on them.

While she was cuddling in the arms of him feeling secured while he walked her across the broken glasses,

he dropped her,

she fell even harder,

She falls back onto the bits of broken glasses where she was crawling on from the start

with more cuts all over her.

Now she is withered,

faithless,

emptied,

loveless.

He stretches his arms at her once again,

this time round,

she dont even have the littlest of strength or courage to even lift to look at him.

The light from the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train (l)

Months after,

the handicap picked herself up with the help of someone whom she trust, she stood up with the only leg she had. She is afraid to walk and she just stood there fearing that she will fall the moment she take that step out. After many days and months, she grew faith and the trust increases, one fine day, she told him, i would like to learn to walk but only if you are there for me. He stretches his arms without a second word and she finally took her first step, he grabs her firm with his strong arms making sure that she will not skip a step, she walks on. Each day steps by steps, steps by steps. In days and months to come, picked herself up with who she used to be in the past with the encouragement of this man.

One day, she decided to climb a hill with her close to heart " clutch " which is him. She knows it will be a challenge and she was full to the brim to accept it as she knows, he will be there to catch her fall. They walked up hand in hand although there are milestones which trips, but they didnt fall, as they walked, they enjoyed the greens and sweet scent of fresh air throughout the woods. Step by step they managed to reach the hill top. The scene is beautiful, the grassland was green. The breeze blew through the tired face and evaporates the sweat they had. They sat down, side by side enjoying the hard work they reap. The scene in front of them, is more that what it pictures. The underlying meaning for her meant so much more than to enjoy the breeze and to lie in his arms. They sat there side by side enjoying moment of sunrays as the sunsets.

The sky turns grey and it's time to head downhill. The path downhill were dim but she knows he will be there to guide her though the path. The momentum downhill was fast, she but she know he will not allow her to fall. The dwindling path was rapid, and the path was dim, in a skipped heartbeat of second, she realised he freed her, she loses her balance and fall off the track, she leaps and roll downhill, she tried to reach for him but his arms were crossed. He just stood there motionless. The speed were rapid and she couldnt stop. She hits the trunk of a tree where she finally stop.