One of the week

Ecclesiastes

Ecclesiastes 4, 2 : 13

It is better to be a poor but wise youth rather than an old and foolish king who refuses all advice.

Such a youth could rise from proverty and and succeed.

He might even become king, though he has been in prison.

1:4:15

I observed everything going on under the sun, and really, it is all meaningless - like chasing the wind.

What is wrong cannot be made right

What is missing cannot be recovered.

- -

**

** BBG services on Thurs 7.30 pm and Fri @ Riverwalk

*** 7.30pm @ DXO on 21 Aug 09, featuring BBG Band named : SE7EN; interested parties do drop me a message :)

Is thinking about . . .

I am thinking of many things which occurs in the recent months.

What happened and how much tension I've caused in my life as well and family.

I've repent it within the purest of my heart when I teared during the sinners prayer yesterday.

In the past, I've let this man down because I love myself too much.

Now, I've let many people down because I dont love myself enough.

I am facing an internal crisis where no one else would ever understand,

needless to put my family in the picture.

At a certain point in life,

you' would realise you do not live for yourself anymore.

You just live to please everyone around you, to make others happy.

I am really very tired,

mentally and physically.

Where is my breakthrough?

I am handling everything not within my means,

that is the reason why I am making my struggle.

For the night I am home,

I never fail to look into god's word to keep my faith in life moving.

I am stuck along the cross roads of my career and family.

There is no advise given.

I am tired of doing nothing.

I am tired of giving.

I am tired of the tears.

I got myself into shit again which alcohol intoxication.

I deem to be more focus.

Directions in life.

Things concerning him which no words or descriptions can explain.

Myself,

being ultimately paranoid over my relationship and I hated myself so much for being that.

When will such hurt and dishonor end?

How am I suppose to wipe off the done to make it undone and refresh as before?

At certain nights, I am still quenching in pain.

I would like to ask him,

is he really happy?

Old school Sinema

Seven : What say you?

April kanna Tui tui tui

Its Gavin's turn to be tui now, the following, just Tu HIM.

HuiPing : Nee Nao Hia . .

Hubhub's turn . . .

Yeah . .

This is what we call physical bonding. .

Say Cheese to the " Little Yellow Truck" which 6 passengers on-board.

And Happy Birthday to my dearest,

bringing you tons of blesses in my prayers each and everyday of my life.

With the finest love and sincerity.

借我你的一辈子，我下辈子再还你.

(:

Lovely

The violin without an A string
I just love the colours

Recognition

This is a quiz for recognition in self;
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There is an empty house along the forest, what would you choose to hang onto the wall of the empty house?
1) Clock
2) Photographs and frames
3) Pictures
4) Calender
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1) Clock - You are a systematic person, with selfish rationale and logics. Right brain over left. You tend to make full possibility of situations which gain an upper hand. You are nice to everyone but fake and is a hypocrite. You will do what ever which satisfy your greed. You gain recognition with the amount of capability you will do to gain satisfaction.
=
2) Photographs and frames - You are a person who love recognition from people around you. Your high ego and pride makes you to be the darling in everyone's heart. You love to miggle around people in order to gain trust and faith of others in you.
=
3) Pictures - You are an abstruct person, and loves to be called the unique. You impress others with the amount of talent you have to gain recognition among people. You are most likely a arty farty or a musical incline.
=
4) Calander - You are a planner, someone who plans too much to make sure everything goes on fine and smooth. People get impressed by your logics and math in planning which in return confirm the stablilty and trust of others.
=
I fall between the catergory of photographs and pictures. From the elaboration I find it rather true as I am that kind of person. Nice and considerate towards others which in returns makes me a darling among my lovelies. To a point if anyone will to realise, you will never hear any bad-mouth about myself, simply I am too netural in all ways.

There is a reason why . . .

There is a reason why I hated bangkok.

I've been there twice in my life.

Phuket, Bangkok and Pattaya.

On the 1st occasion I was lost and I loathe that place.

The next trip to BKK,

the traffic jams just turned me away,

the streets were so dirty, alittle worst than Hongkong and that turns me off somehow.

I dont really like to go on shopping trips as I find it pretty tedious and hectic.

Japan is exceptional due to the fashion and style they carry,

anyway my Japan trip wasn't planned to be a shopping trip in the first place.

Back to BKK,

the reason being why I disapprove the idea of going bkk with him.

What is the point of heading to the same city twice in a month with 2 different girls each time?

It is not at all impressive nor is it interesting on my ends.

That makes me feel cheapen somehow or rather.

Seriously, I don't need any fancy trips or whatsoever.

I just want to be with him . . . ^ EXCLUSIVELY ^

Peranakan Museum

Pop Art heels V.S Traditional

I particularly love this,
Remembering our Ancestors who brought us here so far from our family tree.
For the dead or for the living,
we just got to be filial

The vintage

This is my favourite.

Perenakan Museum located just beside Sub-station.

Entrance: S$6/-

Next stop Singapore Art Museum :)

Weekends

I feel like I am just a part-time member of my family. For the past 1 week. The only day I slept on my cozy was like Thursday. I am intoxicated once again with alcohol. Randomly..

Sorrie to my loyal readers, time to update my bloggie. * SHOUT OUT to JOZE. . . I miss you lar.* So long never see you! *** YOu missed my birthday, YOu missed our steamboat and Velvet session. ** Hope to see you and Roy damn soon.

Continue. . .

Its crazy on Wednesday with the lead of the night + + Below 42 + + Sng Buay flavour [ Only avaliable at Velvet ] Brother Richard came over to Velvet and look for ly. Jumped onto the Sofa as usual with his stunts. hahaaa. . Grabbing my bottle and we hopped over to Phuture. MAMA Eddie came over, and kiss me, him, him, her, him hahaa. . He is always so cute and he was asking ly to kiss me. After awhile Daren and Kelvin came over as well. Hopped over to their table and dropped my challenge to Daren.

Back at Brother Richard's table; eh was looking at how the Bimbo EN flirt . . . . and I understand why is she banned by Fulala and Sebast. I was teasing JY to join in the fun with EN and JATHN. He gave his * darting eyes look * and goes . . Eeekk . . Too multi-rider already and I turned and looked at ly lolx.

Brother refilled my Sng Buay bottle when it was half emptied with normal Vodka and started his * feel shiok * sourness of the drink. He started becoming kind of loSo after too much of Sng buay Vodka. He hugged me, scold me for being silly. He is getting high and I was like massaging his back and head for the later part of the night. I walked him out for Taxi together with SMR when he Suddenly grabbed my head over his shoulders and say + 我最疼你了 + Dont be stupid stupid Already.

Thursday;

ly and I had dinner together at the usual chinese restaurant we used to dine with my favourite, boiled beef :) Nice (:(://@@-- After that he drove me home. He was playing on my piano when my parents came back. Dad gave his usual smile eh, I dont know lar. . I just feel kind of weird someway or another. He just want to see my dad and that is something I am afraid to do. In the past, I would really like them to meet. But now, I am pretty scare to do that. Later he runaway again, I will get screwed by my traditional thinking dad of you must marry the guy you bring back. @..@

Friday:

Headed down to the office for meeting with Ivan and crew for APM meeting. . Meet up with Daren and we start our gossips and nonsenses again hahaa . . He drove me down to the concourse in his Integra - Bad company, another smoking kaki and we were like smoking chimmey in his car during the traffic jam. Argh. Synergizers; Drinkers and smokers. lolx, what a quote by us. I met up with the ladies and we headed for steamboat, chillout at Richard C place and headed down to Velvet together. Velvet is not cool at all, its the cool company we had who made us laughed so hard till our jaws fall. Endless of updates from Sebast and his " encounters ' hahaa. . ly came over to look for me for a couple of times to 'ensure' his good husband being. He is 'labelled' onto the YELLOW RIBBON PROJECT by my friends for his reformation which I have got no idea how long would that last although he claimed that, that will be a lifetime. Let time speaks the truth. Love is important but its trust that hold us together and stronger. Like what Brother Richard told me, you just got to check every single thing about him, but I feel it will be so taxing on me. But I still did that on friday, screening through his cellphone. OMG can anyone of you guys imagine that, SCREENING through my BF's handphone. He is crowned Number 1. Yeah. 1st BF for screen handphone AWARD. I just have to do it as I am really paranoid.

Saturday:

I was having my quiet time at the Peranakan Museum when I received messages from dear Stacy. Our group accompanied her till wee driven by ly's " YELLOW LITTLE TRUCK " which amazingly fit 7 of us in his car. Camera man for the evening goes to MR EUGENE LIM BEER hahaaa. As there are too many of us, we decided to check into HOTEL 81 . . We got rejected hahaa.. WE GOT REJECTED BY HOTEL 81. We had a couple of fun shots at OLD SCHOOL for "wine" ( From Carrefour ) No wine opener, no ice, no glasses and MISSY STACY just made our night great with free ice bucket, opener and glasses from Timbre. KTV at Tiger's place after that, Tony ge and Peter came down to join us. ly wasn't feeling very well and we left the crowd at 3am to head home together. Where the group partied till 7am in the morning lolx. LOVE YOU STACY ~~ JIA YOU JIA YOU dont be like me, stupid stupid and got my health wasted.

bLESSES; God Bless my dear STACY with health and wisdom to make choices. There are indeed many choices we can make in life. Its just me who fall into the trap of stupidity. Although Silly but I really hope to be Happy with him without so many turbulance which hit me so hard. My love still do increases for him, but chills does hold me back somehow. I am tired, scared and faithless. Hubhub ah hubhub please dont whack me with disappointment anymore. There is just too much of disappointment in him.

Note to him: Can we both be winners this time round?

Something is wrong with me.

It is just this weird feeling where something is wrong. The feelings arn't right. I do not know how to barricade or elaborate. The feeling is not as initimate as how we used to have. Why? Although action increases, commitments rises. But I am least of all convinced?
I hate it when he texted me in a club and realising that I dont reply to it anymore.Because he does that to many others as well, I am just one of the many. Whats the difference? I hate it when he say sweet promises to me, where most of the sweet promises he gave in the past never come true. So what is the probability of it coming true? Maybe one-fifth or less to a hundred. I hate it when he kept quiet and think about his lies but nothing really convincing comes out of it. Yes, there's least amount of trust in him, because there is no conviction at all. I just feel no better at all. Yes, I am paranoid and I hate this feeling. The basic trust factor is so way-off. Ask me, do I trust him, the answer is no. Sad but true. and I really do not know what can he really do to gain back the trust?


ARghh. . Fuck it. . Have a fun evening with Fulala they all and have a good laugh at my stupidity.

Blind date

Ways to get rid of ur blind date:

1) Bring 20 candles.
Arrange around your table in a circle and ask your date to chant with you.

2) Fart loudly. (<--- hahaa this suits me)
When people stared at you, just stand up and bow to acknowledge.

3) Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.


- Ideas contributed by Mikey sweets, We are to protest no Blind dates from Grandma(s) :p

Disengagement

I had a disengagement which happened this morning and I feel, its a matter of fact I reckon god just wants me to know that. Because GOD doesn't want me to be blinded anymore. I am really puzzled and confused at the moment of time. A flash of moment I was dejected and disappointed once more. I do not wish to give any comment but to sit motionless at my seat. I really do not know whether can I believe in his words again? As I was deceived over and over again. This is when GOD anchor this matter across 'him' for the final time.

Probably GOD just happened to make him say it for himself. I realised GOD loves me more than enough to plan my path, to enlighten my soul and to nurture the self-being in me. He is teaching me a way of self cultivation in order to walk down the path he shone brightly at with greater courage and faith. Just like what Pastor Meng told me, the peace is within the connection with good and GOD. Where GOD comes in all forms. So . . .

I asked god, can I trust him again and god says.

:What sorrows for those who drag their sins behind them, with ropes made of lies, who drag wickedness behind them like a cart! Thou shall not find peace. ISAIAH 6:20

Like what I've told GOD he is not a bad guy, he is just misleaded and corrupted by the devil in him. I randomly flipped to god's word again and he says

:Peace is with you! As the father has send me, therefore I am sending you. Then he breathed on them and said: " Receive the Holy spirits, If you forgive anyone's sin, they are forgiven. JOHN 20:22

I am amazed, for my believes somehow, touched. You wont believe it until you encounter it yourself :)

You can be yourself and people just love you who you are. As in what Conrad told me. Those who do not see the beautiful heart you've got are not deem to be call a friend of yours. His quote which says: socialising with the beautiful people shallowly and in depth with the ones with a beautiful heart and wisdom. People who loves you for your being will never leave your life. He is one of the many who convinced me, why do you have a make a change in yourself to make others lust than being true over you?

With grace and serene,
Thank you

原来

原来爱是一种任性，不需要太多考虑，不需要太聪明，只要一句我愿意 :)原来我可以那么的爱一个人，能够爱到我自己都没法相信。可能那是一种缘分吧，是神的指意， 要让我认识真正的付出。也许不会有回报，可我可以体会有无至今的付出。在将来的有一天，神会然我看到我的光明，让我爱的人学会，明白，知道，付出也可以是一种快乐和幸福

The familar hug.

As I stepped into the familiar home once again

well greeted and acknowledged.

The people whom I feel great comfort with,

people I associate with this term I call family.

I love them just as much.

The familar hug he gave which makes me went speechless,

I am indulging in the great comfort and warm hug by him after days and weeks of missings.

I had lunch prepared by his mum and I just couldn't help it to tell her that I misses her so much.

I lied on the familar bed we used to had great conversation on,

accompanied with his warm hug.

I teared quietly in his arms.

I am not sad, I am just touched.

I do not need him to know how much I've suffered to love him.

He just need to know how much he meant to me.

Like what I've told god about,

he is not a bad guy.

Please bless this man I love with greater faith in things he can change,

more courage to face challenges he cant change.

Because he is the man I've love so much .. so much. . .

Is love sustainable?

Everyone out there knows how to love, but what is the sustainability of love? Right here I am not just talking about love in the usual male and female relationship. I am just quoting love as in general. May it be mother and child's love, siblings and whatsoever. Everyone has the capability to love, the question I have it here. How can we sustain love? A question was thrown to me, when a couple file for their divorce, does it mean they DO NOT love each other anymore? This may no be the underlying problem to their question. At times, they do. They still love each other. But why do they go on separate ways? I've learn an important lesson in life for Love, love is not only giving, it is the knowledge one enlightens. Because without knowledge in love, love turns into a double edged sword which eventually evolves to hatred. With knowledge, we will learn that love is not a stand alone, it consist of giving, understanding, caring, forgiving.

Uploading

Siblings :)

The Trio,

Myself, Foo Leng and Cal.

The VU party

Getting high. . and Calvin is stoning. .

The beautiful Korean lady :p

Sebastian and his new cartier shades.
Dont get ur shades crushed again sebast .

Richard Chua and myself.
His bday is on the 24th and mine on the 25th.

Teo Hua hua has his on the 27th.
Its our Birthday :)
I had my Birthday wish :) My wish for the year, I sent my request to god to bless each and everyone who loves me with health and happiness.

I had a great and fun night with everyone with me.
Someone just asked me,
Hell Seven' how come you're so happy today.
Insanely happy.
I replied. I don't know? Maybe . . . some calls/messages I received.
I had a long long talk with Conard that night.

One of the few occasion I talked so much with Conrad.

Something out of expectation. Conrad dont really talk, he simply observe.
Conrad used to be the management team with Mediacorp and branches out in his company not long ago for events and marketing.
He told me this which somehow stayed in my mind.
About myself. The self in me. He just did an analysis which I shall not comment in detail.

I cant deny the group of people just have an unique judge with people. Each and every of them hold this unique Aura. They do not need to be " fabulously great looking " But they just attract. Charismatic I shall say. FuLala is a great example.
I've seen the other side of Conrad.
The depth and substance in our talks.
Some friends are like leaves,
they fall off when the wind blows.
I am glad I have more branches than leaves on my tree.
My branches DO NOT fall off so easily.
** Right . . my dearest lovelies **
Thank god I am blessed with so many great and wonderful people in my life.

Its our birthday :)

Its our birthday :)
The Mega pixals just too big to upload. Sian . .
upload it again :)

PUBLIC ENEMIES

Out in Cinemas

starring Johnny Depp

Wohooo~~!! I've got my guest for the movie.

Allen Wu giving me thumbs up for supporting this movie.

Therefore I suppose we will be planning for a movie outing for Public Enemies soon.

Catch Johnny Depp in Cinemas.

-

PS I dont mind watching it again with my hubhub :) with his favourite Johnny Depp. . and the show itself of course. We've watched the black and white version together, lets watch it again soon alright :) The Johnny Depp version.

Its a great hangout

I had a great evening of joyful singing with the usual group.
I finally got hold of my new chanel concealer; yeah ~~
I picked mikey up from raffles city and we headed down to boat quay to meet up with the group.
It is a joyful session with our group with lots of fun and laughter as usual.
Late evening dinner was great,
which include, Fishhead, vege, stingray, toufu, Sotong, chicken and beef.
The dinner rounded up to apx $105 for about 8 of us, which is pretty affordable.
We were talking about the WOW ~~ factors of the world which includes Taj Mahat, Eiffel tower,
Egypt pyramid . . .
Something which our pilot Jo amazed us with during one of his flight.
WOW ~~ northern light when he was flying across Greenwich Canada.

Northern light is something I would really want to view.

On the left hand side of my blog, you guys will be able to view my little picture of the northern lights.

Someday, I would really want to bring the person I love so much to Canada and view this spectacular Northern light together.

Thanks everyone,

I had a well valued spent evening with you lovely people.

-

PS: I wrote my prayers behind the envelope, with his name all over for blesses. Sincerely wishing and praying for him each and everyday :) God bless Joze to recover real soon, and mikey to get well soon real fast. TIME for bed and early morning meeting 9.30am. Fighting! Fighting! Time to chiong some sales. I am left with less than a week.

Birthday wish

Birthday wish this year is simple :)

I dont need any promises from him.

Just a simple act as a special someone.

Silly,

wishful thinking,

for him trimming my hair and give me a water-melon with stick-on smiley face for me.

I've decided to keep long hair and only visit my stylist for hair treatments.

I cut my own hair from now on, not to save money but to find it real interesting.

Dont laugh at me,

I am just a weirdo.

Little mermaid

The little mermaid;

who turns into bubbles when dawn rises,

seeing the prince she love sailing down the ship with the new queen he has.

This shall be call sacrifies i suppose.

I am not that resourceful

I am not that resourceful lar. I just got buzz to checkout some updates of a bloggie, lolx.. just looked through, yah they were removed. Opps :x Indeed eh. not very pleasant to know and it does kind of dampen the image. Well . . . . I am not in the shoe to comment. It has been many years since then and I believe people do change?

-

Anyway I have got no comments of what you bitches speculates. Eh thanks, I am not longer in the picture so dont ask me for gossips. I am an individual self no-connection with anybody. Somehow, I just see, know, hear and forget. . . . And dont ask where I get the news or whatsoever from. In many cases, conversations were coincidence, within me, my friends, individual messages of infomation sent or within the group, they just talked about it. It just happen that I was destinated to get know somehow, see or hear. Too many coincidence in life which took me many times off my seat. Things just appear in front of your vision without even the need to search, and news just get to your ears without the need of asking. I think god just has a plan for me?

-

I realised something today, waiting can be happiness as well. Giving can be very joyful too. I will be turning 25, 12am this coming Friday. I decided to give rather than to receive this 25th Birthday of mine. Living a quarter of my life, I finally learn the art of giving. Giving without farming returns. I have made all those little gifts for all my dearest friends for our gathering this Friday at Richard's restaurant :)

-

I received the message that the group will be heading towards the less developed countries for volunteering work and they are calling for members. Its together with the medical group. They will be heading off soon. I am still contemplating to go on this meaningful trip with them. I should discuss this with Daddy Kong soon in order to confirm my trip. If Daddy kong gives the green light signal. Most probably I will only be back after Christmas this year. The most challenging part is to convince my parents, I think they are afraid that I will faint again. But should they know, its not some health reasons that causes that. Its my fragile heart, I just have to give as much love as I can to the lesser fortunate in order to gain some peace in return. There's just some feel good factor in doing service like these. Well I'll see how things goes and check out with Dr Julius.

-

I am still suffering from endless nights of insomnia with cramps in my heart. I really have got no idea when this pain will stop. Sigh. When night fall, its the torturing part as I am all alone. Perhaps, One day this pain will stop, but i just do not know when . . . . .

-

Praying for Ms Joze's recovery :), praying for the dearest to feel peace and happiness always.

-

This is a post about my DAD.

My Fath.jer. . . . He walked in and out of my room, looked at me :

First Question asked: You got money to spend or not?

Yeah, I replied.

True enough I dont even remember when was the last time I asked money from him. Probably a year ago? or more than that? He walked out.

After few mins, he walked in again: You still feeling giddy?

I replied: sometimes.

He nodded and walked out.

Few mins later, he walked in again,

saw me packing gifts.

He asked: You going for party ah? Why so many present?

I replied: no lar, this is for all my friends on my bday.

He walked out again.

After awhile,

He walks in again and asked: You want to go to Jeju island Korea?

I finally turned at looked at him,

rolled my eyes and asked why?

He said; Go to Uncle Richard's agency and get ur tickets.

He walked out.

For many things which happens in this month, seeing me suffering in silences, he do not know what happened. But somehow, dad knows I am very unhappy. My dad do not know how to express himself towards me. Especially when they found out I was hospitalised, he was very very angry. I was so afraid to see him, afraid that he scold me for not taking good care of myself. He visited me that very night I was hospitalised. As what I expect, he scolded me in front of everybody. At that point of time, I just shrink into my blanket. I dont dare to face my dad. He walked out of the ward. From then on, he never walks into my ward again. We didnt talk until today, he walks into my room to strike this convo with me. I am touch in a way, he even tell mum to buy some crabs on Saturday. He will be cooking my favourite crab for me. Chilli and black pepper crab. I melted. Because the last time I ate crab cooked by my dad was when I was 12 years old.

Watermelon

Hope you can have a good laugh at it.

with many many" Xi Gua Xian Sheng"

Harry poh-ter . . . Boooo.. . . . .

Its a let-down The half blood prince.

I was reading Joz's sms during the movie with Holly,

Silly girl ~~ Urecare is a skincare lotion NOT anything to do with the eyes,

dont be silly silly, ROY: pls keep a lookout for her, she is kind of clumsy, blur and super blur.

~

I was email-ing steph about out costume party.

Masked Soirée, I like that :)

British Masked Soiree.

The one Dennis sent, a piece of advise - something more original can, what little nonya.

Its gotta be a great party man out of Singapore *clap clap*,

Lets make it a bang ya . . my committee !!

IVAN holding the planning Chairman,

Myself as the Vice,

and the rest of the committee.

Lets make APM Gala night a BANG !!

~

Was reading through nicole's bloggie as Joz mentioned it to me.

Looking through tons of updated pictures which i do feel kind of erm. . . .

As i thought things were like otherwise, ah hem. . .

Anyway that doesn't really concern me, I am out of the picture.

~

Seriously, on his ends,

I am still very worried about the things he is going through

I was alarmed by so many negative comments heard from the producing group.

Simply, I thought he is doing fine all along.

God, please bless my dearest, send some angels to guide him along his tough times, give him peace and calm his soul.

I just feel utterly terrible,

there is really nothing I can do except saying more prayers.

He is not a bad guy and please do bless him.

~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pj4pRQXX_4

Sorrie cant embedding is disabled.

check out this link, when ever I am down with work and stress this is pretty motivating :)

and I believe integrity plays a very big part in life and staying true will be rewarding in times to come.

Holding integrity and being true rewarded me so much valued and lovely people in my life which contributes faith in return walking me out of my tough times.

The droplets

I hear his name again.

My heart really sunk because news of him is nothing good to conclude.

I feel really sad hearing bad-mouth of him,

I was shocked to get the news of the reshuffle of cast.

In my heart,

I wanted to stand up for him for some of the unjustification made,

I really want to !!

But who am I to speak up for him?

I am nobody, probably someone even lesser than his fans.

At least his fans get to see him,

but I will not have such privilages anymore.

Saying prayers and blesses each and everyday is the objective which keeps me going.

Thou the days I was hospitalised and in pain,

I never forget to say my prayers for him.

(My dearies who happens to see this post, *smiles*please dont feel sad for me, this is the path I choose, I appreciate for all the cares you guys gave. But certain times I just have to fight it alone, probably to attain something different in life called scarifies without farming return and the real underlying meaning of the greatest thing on earth which is selfless love. I will be fine right people. I will not make you guys worry anymore ok.)

If he is a beautiful set up scene,

I am probably just one of the nails nailed along the wooden plank.

The nail that happen to be there.

Nothing significant at all.

I couldn't say a thing,

I just have to swallow the tough time down my throat.

Did what I can to encourage him through simple words which I dont even know if it helps.

'He' made some eye contact to me gloating, but I just smile.

Simply I was too shock and I sent him a sms immediately,

its heartache on my end to see him facing challenges in his career again.

I really suffer quite abit due to his career but its ok lar,

I am not complaining at all for the past a year which I quietly sat through,

for a fact,

yes, I love him very much which includes all his faults and good.

Deep down in me, I've never blame or hated him at all.

Swallowing down what was commented,

my tears rolled when the lights turn dark.

I have to excuse myself and head towards the cubicle to let out my tears in silences to escape any questioning from the people around me.

Its no longer about me feeling hurt anymore,

its him in fact,

at a point of time where my heart quenches so much to feel in his shoes.

oh my god,

he is suffering again.

Imagine each night when I prayed for him at my window before bed with so much of love,

tears just flows on naturally, thinking that is the best I can do.

At this point of entry,

I really hope for nothing,

I have eliminated the hope of visualising the future of myself and him.

I mean, this is a fact.

I just have to accept it.

I sincerely hope that which ever girl who crosses his path take care of him and love him as much as I do,

make him happy, give him the purest of joy and peace in his isolated soul and heart.

To replace me of what I have done for him.

He might be jerk in the eyes of many who knows him,

but towards me I know,

he is just afraid,he is like a little boy who whines,

to my regrets, I no longer hold the place to hug him, tuck him to bed, watch him sleep like a little baby in my arms anymore.

Anyway, Its ok lar

I don't dare to see him also lor, I am afraid too.

I dont know what to say to him.

Afraid to know the truth.

Afraid that he loves me no more.

Afraid that he is going to hurt me again.

Alot of things I am afraid of.

Contradicting and a coward lar ok . .

I am afraid that I will freeze when I see him.

Or maybe my heart just stop pumping.

Too much love involve, which contribute shocking hurt.

Its that bad.

Somehow, knowing he wouldn't be at zouk for the time being makes me 'zouk' peacefully. Cause I will not bump onto him.

Nevertheless there is this promise he made, fulfilled.

He said: He will make himself 'the last man' in my life.

Something consoling because this promise will be fulfilled by me.

If he realised,I never made any promises to him before.

Here's one which will stay true whether one believes it or not?

My heart will only open its door to him no matter how time changes.

This promise is valid for my lifetime till my last breathe and god will make my witness.

P.S Readers: ?Dont buzz me with smses again, *shouting dumbass* ... I am I m being dumb, just let me be. . . Since I dont know how to fall in love anymore, no strength liao Just let me be lar hor. I promise not to faint again. This is abit random but please bear with my complains. Fucking hell lar. I cant anymore insurance, the underwriters freaking load me. I really regretted not getting more. So I m like left with just half a million covered. I will write a will soon lar, just in case. . . . Allocate my assets accordingly to people I love. ARGH MANUCARE, LPP ARGHHHHH>>.....>>>>> my idiotic tilt table heart test is like 400 bucks!!!!!! excluding my stay in SGH ok. The bill came up to about 2k plus close to 3k for like government hospital. Eh, Thank god I didnt put myself up in like the Mount A.B.C.D.E or Thomson medical suite.

Meet up

Meet up with the guys,

I missed the gathering last saturday.

Thanks for the Chicken Essence.

*Gan Dong ley* Thank you.

Everyone really did reaffirmed my value in them.

I was laughing till my jaws turned numb with the jokes Belinda told and her experiences for "tong gao" work with the media.

*smiles*

Its so funny with the LS experience, the *pui pui pui* jokes.

Lovely, frank and true people.

Oh ya, so sorry mikey with my granny who makes both of our eyes rolled.

The scene goes.

He passed me the chicken essence and granny was looking at him,

Granny speaks: Oh, when are you free to visit me at my place with Qiqi (myself).

Both mikey and I looked at each other, rolled our eyes.

Thats the problem with grannies.

Hahaaa mikey's granny does the same thing too.

I had a great session with you guys.

Once again Thank you!

I will try my very best to take good care of myself and not to make you guys worried.

Poker face

-

Had a night free of Alcohol intoxication.

When I reach, Sebast is there.

When the server wanted to pour me drinks,

he goes ' no no no ' give her only white tea.

I had " Ket Hua Tea" michelle hon got it for me, I cant drink.

So sweet and nice.

Whenever I pick up my glass, Richard will smell my glass to make sure its alcohol free.

I haven seen m.r brother Sng for awhile,

he went praying in Bangkok ah.

Fulala did his usual stuff, Seven you drink again ah... you know ah.

Later you faint ah, Fulala cannot carry you.

Thou you are 38kg, but you are so freaking heavy lar.

Chris didn't know what happened,

ask me to drink,

Haha. Calvin got it for me.

Thanks everyone,

I feel so pampered.

To him: Praying for his speedy recovery :) Be happy ok.

Wish

When will you play on the guitar for me again,

and cover a coat on me when I fall asleep in your arms?

heartfelt

When I look forward, thinking that you will suddenly appear.

Someday, I'll wait until the sky turn clear.

Just as it was on the day you left.

You will quietly return to my side,

the you in my heart.

Can you really never see me again?

I am really such an idiot,

you're the only one in my heart,

the you who have eyes for someone elses.

You probably don't know how I feel,

your day probably will not include me,

not even your memories.

Its only me,

the one watching you from far.

Who is silently crying.

watching the shape of your back as a kind of happiness to me.

Even though to the very end, you do not understand my heart.

When I want to see you,

at a time I really cant bear to.

The words I love you is always lingering on my lips,

where I am alone crying for you,

where I am alone missing for you.

Through the time missing and crying,

Its time to stand alone for the being.

To stay strong and healthy,

put on more weight before I get to see you again,

may it be months, or years. . .

I just do not want to be the same again,

for you to see me sobbing in heartache.

I will be there until the time comes. . .

Appreciation

Ribina with Gas,

yo hoo...

Thanks to Liting and Cheryl.

Love my sampat bitches for my Tomyum craves at night.

Special thanks to Pinky, Rena for the company :)

Bonvoyage to laolao, xian and sin for their trip to hk.

Lots of love to each and every one of u guys.

Day 3 of the observation

Results of the CT scan is out, and my brain waves were pretty normal. Therefore the psychiatrist comes into the picture, telling me things about emotional pain, mental stresses . . blahblah. .. Enough of those, i just said; prescribe me some tranquillizer and sleeping pills like how i used to pass 2 months ago, I think I will be fine.

-

Struggling through this emotional period is indeed challenging where many occasions I loses to myself. I broke into cold sweat and I loses the promise i gave him. Indeed I tried to take care of myself emotionally but self abused physically. My body finally gave way when I occupy myself with too much of crazy stuffs to reduce the time thinking about him. I tired myself out each and everyday to knockout everynight. I cant help in a way, i just have to make myself not to think about him.

-

The things that he promised just a few weeks ago stayed on so vividly in my mind in which I cant erase them off at all. Those promises he gave and I really wondered will he be fulfilling it? I woke up in tears and the nurses thought i was cold sweating and they called for the doctor. At a certain point, I really wondered will I be able to face him again. I am really afraid to face him. Afraid that he will do things and hurt me again. It has been again and again. Being utterly beaten up emotionally by this person. I would love to see him again, and at the same time so afraid to. I am so afraid to get emotionally whacked up by him again. I am so afraid.

-

I do not know what will happen in the coming month or so. I really want to get a truthful answer from him; who am I towards him?? He used to say that I am very important to him. I mean alot to him in his life. But how? I just feel silly, being treated as some dirt in his life, never properly treasured. I am like rubbish being tossed here and there. I am always pinned down by the soil he used to sprinkle on the shine i used to give. or am I just happens to be always the stupid and silly girl he should be laughing at. Damn it. I think everyone can see the dilemma here. Being, a part of me wants him to get what he wants, and the other part of me feeling unjustified for the unreasonable sufferings I have to go through. Mentally challenged which leads to a physical abuse. How pathetic you are Seven.

-

Tomorrow will be a better day. Good night.

Thanks Roy for the heart felt email you gave.

Day 2 of the observation

Imagine, they forgot to tighten the cap of the syringe and my blood just flows out like coke in a bottle as if my blood is free of charge.

I didnt know until my blood drips on the blanket of the CT scan machine.

I was wheeled out for my CT brain scans, and 2nd day with no showers. I can only do my showers with the help of the nurses. 3 of my roommates were discharged and I am the only one left in the ward.

Talking about the CT scans, they are like the big machine we used to see in those drama series with laser beams across your forehead. They injected some fluid into my body which gives a whole body burning sensation altogether. I cant stand or walk properly and i need to be assisted all around. Sound and tastes damn weak. I have to give Richard's numbers to my attending doctor for them to assess what actually happened that night. Did i fits? Did I roll my eyes? Did I bite my tongue? Blah blah. Dont worry my brothers, I will get well soon and be right back with everybody,but without alcohols and ciggies. I've gotten the messages from you guys. Sorry to make u all worry, special thanks to richard and fulala.

-

I really have to complain this. I just got screwed in my ass yesterday. My ass broke virgin with his gloved fingers gel with KY lubricants. He has to stuck his index finger in, to grab some stools off my ass. Oh well, I just have to oblige to whatever they say.

-

He should be heading towards BK for his hospital stay as well ba, praying that things go on fine on his ends :) I should be discharge by this Saturday, I think so bah . . . . so I can attend servicing this saturday. Say some prayers for everyone I love. If you happen to see my blog, didn't intend to make you worry at this crucial point of yours. I am fine and please dont make worries for me. I am well taken care of by the helpful nurses in my ward. I am not around your side you got to take care too. Hope to see your new appearance, scratch your back for u ah, and pink ur accupunture points and make you scream.. :) Just do what you have to do and dont disappoint me, dont call me or see me before what you are done with what you suppose to do. . .Jia you ba, wait for you to come home. Dont let me down, I've did so much and walked so far already. Be back perfect ok.

- My coke light delivery man is here hoho . . Thanks to everyone who send me their regards, other than dear holly who accompanied me for the whole of yesterday, i owe her big time. Ah Moikunta is the 1st to drop his call to check if I m ok. Thanks thanks I am gg to get well soon and make a dash for my productions once again. Be back in the arms of everyone who loves Seven and want to see her well and happy.