Results of the CT scan is out, and my brain waves were pretty normal. Therefore the psychiatrist comes into the picture, telling me things about emotional pain, mental stresses . . blahblah. .. Enough of those, i just said; prescribe me some tranquillizer and sleeping pills like how i used to pass 2 months ago, I think I will be fine.
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Struggling through this emotional period is indeed challenging where many occasions I loses to myself. I broke into cold sweat and I loses the promise i gave him. Indeed I tried to take care of myself emotionally but self abused physically. My body finally gave way when I occupy myself with too much of crazy stuffs to reduce the time thinking about him. I tired myself out each and everyday to knockout everynight. I cant help in a way, i just have to make myself not to think about him.
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The things that he promised just a few weeks ago stayed on so vividly in my mind in which I cant erase them off at all. Those promises he gave and I really wondered will he be fulfilling it? I woke up in tears and the nurses thought i was cold sweating and they called for the doctor. At a certain point, I really wondered will I be able to face him again. I am really afraid to face him. Afraid that he will do things and hurt me again. It has been again and again. Being utterly beaten up emotionally by this person. I would love to see him again, and at the same time so afraid to. I am so afraid to get emotionally whacked up by him again. I am so afraid.
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I do not know what will happen in the coming month or so. I really want to get a truthful answer from him; who am I towards him?? He used to say that I am very important to him. I mean alot to him in his life. But how? I just feel silly, being treated as some dirt in his life, never properly treasured. I am like rubbish being tossed here and there. I am always pinned down by the soil he used to sprinkle on the shine i used to give. or am I just happens to be always the stupid and silly girl he should be laughing at. Damn it. I think everyone can see the dilemma here. Being, a part of me wants him to get what he wants, and the other part of me feeling unjustified for the unreasonable sufferings I have to go through. Mentally challenged which leads to a physical abuse. How pathetic you are Seven.
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Tomorrow will be a better day. Good night.
Thanks Roy for the heart felt email you gave.
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